


Finding Our Own Path

by shadow_cube



Series: More Than Appearances [2]
Category: South Park
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Timelines, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Alternating, Romance, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, creek - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-05-04 05:07:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 27,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14585613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadow_cube/pseuds/shadow_cube
Summary: Craig Tucker and Tweek Tweak had been friends since the fourth grade.  The night before their high school graduation, feeling nostalgic, Craig called up his gang, telling everyone to meet at Stark's Pond for one last time.  It was during this night, that Craig would begin to wonder if his friendship with Tweek was just that, or if there was something more.  Not wanting to dwell on it further, he quickly dismissed the questions that plagued his mind.It would be soon, that their lives would change.  Now in the full swing of college life and the college experience, the found themselves seeing less and less of each other.  That was, until one night, Craig called upon Tweek for help; which was completely out of character.  Not that the blonde would mind--he needed something familiar.  Soon after this night of friendly reconnection, Tweek would fall into darkness, forever changing their perceptions of trust, friendship, and anything more.Rated M for future themes and strong language.Tags will be added as the story progresses.





	1. Chapter One

The night sky blanketed the sleepy town of South Park as one of its residents looked up towards the stars. Through a simple telescope, Craig Tucker watched as the Earth orbited around the stars above in clear focus. It was one of his most enjoyable hobbies; studying the intricacies of the universe. In the silence of the night, everything in the world made sense. There were countless questions that begged to be answered, and yet, he was comfortable just existing as he was. Contemplating on his own thoughts of the world, Craig's wristwatch beeped loudly in the silence, alerting him to the time.

Absently, he turned off the alarm. A small yawn escaped him as he stared through the lens at Jupiter. Momentarily, Craig took his attention off the universe to grab a small thermos, the contents of which were already gone. He sighed heavily to himself, debating whether he should go to sleep, brew some more coffee or go down to the small coffee shop in town that had recently opened nighttime hours. It was close to ten now, and it would be closing soon. Sleep would have to come another day, as he thought a quick break would be best; there was just too much to discover in the vast emptiness to even entertain the idea of slumber.

Carefully, he backed away from his telescope as he stretched. The pull of his back and arms was enough to wake him from his stupor, but if he wanted to spend the entire night watching the glory of the stars above, Craig would need more than just simple stretches to stay awake. As quietly as he could, Craig made his way back into his home up the stairs to his room. He passed by his sister's room, peaking in to look at her sleep soundly. He smiled to himself lightly before continuing onto his room where he would find a small backpack full of nothing but comfort; an old video camera and childish charts. He placed his bag on his bed, looking around for a flashlight. It did not take him long to find it; Craig was always one to keep his room rather tidy.

From behind his door, he pulled down a blue pullover coat. Though summer was just around the corner, the spring night air still carried a cool breeze in the mountains of Colorado. Making his way back to his bed to grab his bag, he heard a light knock on his door.

"Going out again?" His mother asked. Her blonde hair was silver now, he noted, as the day to day working at the bank had started to take its toll years ago.

"Yeah. I need a pick me up if I'm going to watch the meteor shower later tonight." Craig answered, picking up his trademark stocking cap from his bedside table. Over the past few years, going out and staying up to the early hours of the morning had become routine; his parents warned that they would support his curiosity until it began to interfere with his school work. Luckily for him, however, homework and school projects were something that he enjoyed. Especially when it concerned math and science.

"Alright. Be safe, and don't stay up too late. Tomorrow is graduation, and I don't want you to look tired for your photos."

"I know," he said, rolling his eyes as he smiled lightly to himself. Greeting his mother at his bedroom door, he bent down to her cheek, placing a quick peck before heading back downstairs into their garage. Watching her son tip-toe down the stairs made Laura smile to herself. Images of him doing the same when he was just a child filled her memory as the reality of Craig on the cusp of manhood was almost too much to handle. But, though the thought was saddening, she could not help but feel a sense of pride. His dedication to school and to uncovering the universe, he had achieved a name for himself already. Schools called to have him apply with scholarships lined up for the taking. However, Craig had ignored them all—wanting to spend his college years just as his childhood, with his friends.

His small group of companions had all been accepted to a school a few hours away at Boulder. There, they would spend days and nights in their respective degree programs. While it was wishful thinking that they would still be able to see each other constantly, Craig thought the reality slightly less appealing. Yes, they would travel to the school together, maybe even be in the same dorm, but with possible schedules interfering with each other, he thought that they would see each other less than they hoped. Still, this was not enough to discourage the group of friends from agreeing to go to the same school.

As Craig walked out the front door of his home, he paused for a moment to gaze up towards the sky. There was a slight breeze in the air as clouds swept across the stars, masking their presence. He had expected this, but with his calculations and monitoring a weather app on his phone, Craig was sure that the sky would clear up enough before the meteor shower later that evening. All there was to do now, was play the waiting game. Walking to his garage, he opened the door carefully as to not make too much noise. Inside, he looked around for his bike. There were the cars that his parents drove to and from work. Tools from various projects that he worked on. He could not help but smile to himself; all the memories of growing up rushing to him.

He paused for a moment, thinking that the life he knew was about to be gone. It made him nervous and excited at the same time. For the first time in his life, Craig was going to be leaving South Park to take the next step in his life. With a new-found thirst for one last adventure, he pulled out his phone from his pocket to quickly text his friends Token, Clyde and Tweek. There was little that they could still do, but with his memories still fresh in his mind, he wished to spend his last night at Stark's Pond.

Before Craig was able to leave his front yard, Clyde and Token had already replied, stating that they would meet him there. Tweek probably won't reply, he thought to himself. Because of his friend's nervous behavior and insomnia, the Tweaks had thought it best to have their son work night shifts at their coffee shop. After all, Tweek had basically worked in their family business since he was a young boy; running the store at night was not an issue.

Speeding down the road without a care in the world, Craig went to meet his friend at the coffee shop. The street lights passed by in a blur, fueling his imagination. For as long as Craig could remember, outer space had always fascinated him. The final frontier. The countless planets and stars in their universe could provide humanity with anything they needed. It was his hope, his dream, to be at the forefront of expeditions into the great unknown. But, before any of that could happen, he first needed to graduate from high school.

As Tweak Bros. Coffee neared in the distance, Craig watched Tweek step out from the front of the building, locking up for the night. It had been a slow evening, most of the town getting ready for the next morning. Keeping his distance, Craig dismounted from his bike as he slowly walked up to Tweek. His anxiety had improved over the years, to the point to where he almost seemed to be normal. But, alone in the darkness, he was still vulnerable.

"Hey, dude," Craig called out as he neared the last street light. Though his voice was familiar, it still startled the shorter blonde boy. Tweek jumped as he dropped his keys.

"Come on, man," Tweek whispered just loud enough for Craig to hear, "You know you can't do that." Seeing his reaction, Craig could not but help to let out a small chuckle. Suddenly, he remembered why he had ventured out in the first place.

"Sorry to ask, but do you think I could get one last cup?" With a sigh and grumble, Tweek opened the coffee shop quickly as Craig followed him inside. Tweek did not bother to turn the lights on; he knew where everything was by heart. Still, he walked to the backroom as he always did, and turned on the bar lights just enough for Craig to see comfortably. Craig leaned against the paneling as Tweek walked around to brew a fresh pot of coffee, pulling two disposable travel cups out from a container. They stood in silence as the smell of coffee beans percolating down into the pot filled the air. Their friendship was different from their relationships with Token and Clyde; they never needed to say anything to each other to feel comfortable, they just were. Craig had always been a pillar of strength for Tweek, a source of confidence to perform day to day routines.

Since entering middle school and going on to high school, they found each other spending more time together than either of them realized. They gamed together, did school work together. Sometimes even spending detention together for getting into fights. Craig looked out towards the streets as he heard Tweek make their coffees; Craig's light and sweet and Tweek's black.

"Do you think we'll be able to commercially roam the skies?" Craig whispered. He heard a soft chuckle from behind him as warm coffee was poured into plastic containers.

"Always thinking about that stuff, aren't you?"

"Someone has to."

"Probably. There's always something on the news saying how close we are. I think it's only a matter of time at this point."

"I hope so."

"When did you get so caught up in dreams anyway, Craig?" Tweek asked, remembering that Craig was always one to be factual and logical. Though he admired his excitement in thinking about the great world beyond their home—thoughts that never failed to paralyze Tweek with dread—it seemed to be a side of Craig that was barely seen, if at all.

"If you think about it, dreams just ask questions. And with questions, we search for answers. Things grounded in our reality. So really, dreams are just as important as fact." Beside him, Craig felt the slight warmth of his cup resting just next to his elbow. They stood at the counter for a while, their drinks growing colder by the moment as they looked out towards the street. "Are you excited about tomorrow?" Craig asked.

"I don't know. What if I trip and fall? Or drop my diploma?" Tweek asked, his hands gripping the plastic cup tightly as his thumbs brushed the material up and down reflectively. "Or worse?"

"And, what have I always told you?" Craig tilted his head back to look at Tweek.

"Everything is going to be fine, and I just need to take deep breaths."

"Right, Wonder Tweek."  _Wonder Tweek_ , Craig thought to himself. That name had not been used since they entered middle school, vowing to swear off pretending and fantasizing about being superheroes. It must have been the nostalgia from before that made him call Tweek by his old handle. The air grew heavy between them as the reality of what Craig had called Tweek, not knowing whether to laugh or to blow it off completely. Before either of them were able to react, however, Craig's phone began to ring.

"Hello?"

"Are you guys coming? Everyone is already here."

"Everyone?" Craig asked, momentarily confused by what Token meant.

"Yeah, dude. Literally, everyone is here for some reason. I guess they felt the need to reminisce too."

"Alright, we're on our way," Craig said as he hung up. "Seems that all the others had the same idea about hanging out at Stark's. Let's go."

Cycling over the old bridge by the small lake, Craig and Tweek saw that all their friends had come together for one last time before going off to college in a few days. The large group had been in classes together since the third grade, and though some of them disliked each other, they were all familiar. They were all one family. Laughter boomed as Craig and Tweek walked closer. Stan and Wendy sat next to each other, as they always were. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny not far behind Stan. Heidi kept her distance. She had never been able to forgive herself for acting selfishly in school, though everyone had tried to convince her otherwise.

Clyde met up with Bebe, their relationship on again for the countless time. No one knew if their romance would last, but supported the two nonetheless. Even Nichole cuddled up to Token closely. For a second, it was if they had all be transported back to the fourth grade; that this was not their last night before adulthood. In the distance, Butters screamed as Cartman put sometime down his shirt; probably a bug of some kind. Butters had never really liked bugs, especially ones with hundreds of legs unless they were kept away in glass boxes. Even then, he was hesitant.

Keeping his distance, Craig stopped, taking a moment to enjoy the scene before him. A curl tugged at his lips as he reached for his bag on his back. Tweek stood beside him, his curiosity getting the better of him. Watching Craig fiddle around in his bag, it soon became apparent what he had been searching for.

"You still have that thing?" Tweek joked.

"Yup."

"Why?"

"... Doesn't mean that I can't be sentimental," he mumbled under his breath, too low for Tweek to hear. With a push of a few buttons, Craig managed to get the settings on his camera right before recording. They left their bikes on the end of the bridge, as they walked together towards their group of friends, capturing every moment.

There was screaming and laughter. Jokes at each other. For the night, it was as if their lives were captured at that moment, never to evolve into anything more. Before anyone cared to wonder, it was almost two in the morning. They had all calmed down, mindless chitchat occupying the silence of the night. Nothing of importance happened, but nonetheless, Craig continued to film the memories. Deep inside of him, he would never admit, but part of him hoped that they would all be able to come together like this again when they were older.

"Look!" Wendy yelled suddenly, her hand pointing towards the sky as she tugged on Stan's jacket sleeve. A single star flew above their heads, capturing their attention. Just then, Craig's wristwatch beeped loudly.  _Right on time_ , he thought. Following the first, single star, a flock of meteors filled the sky. It was a magical sight for any other them to witness. In front of them, on the still waters of Stark's Pond, the reflection of falling stars above was crisply painted in serene clarity.

To his left, Craig looked at Tweek. For the first time in a long time, he saw the look of wonderment on his face. There was no worry, no dread of what it could have all meant. Tweek was calm and still as he looked towards the night sky. It was moments like this, that fueled Craig to answer all the questions he could. If anything, to ease his friend's troubled mind.

* * *

The next morning came too quickly. There were hurried steps outside his bedroom door as Craig opened his eyes. His parents were getting ready to head towards the high school for the class graduation. Laying on his back, the faint glow of the stars above his bed were still barely visible. The memories of last night replayed in his head as he smiled to himself. As he sat up, Craig looked around his room. Toys from his childhood lined the walls as they collected dust from years past. His computer desk was littered with models and figures that he painstakingly tried to assemble. Some were completed. Others were still works in progress.

Finally, his gaze fell to the still sleeping body on his floor. It had been close to four in the morning when the group of childhood friends decided to head home. As Craig and Tweek biked home together, Tweek had voiced his concerns that loomed over his head about the following day. Thinking it would be best for the both of them, Craig had offered to have one last sleepover in his old room. If he had not, he was sure that he would be kept up anyway with constant questions over texts explaining the irrational fear and worry about walking across the stage in front of the entire town.

The boys had returned late, sneaking into Craig's room hoping not to wake the rest of the sleeping residents. As they got comfortable in their spots, Craig had expected to whisper the rest of the night away. However, even insomniacs needed to sleep, he found out. As soon as his head hit a borrowed pillow, Tweek drifted off to a deep slumber, his soft snores lullabying Craig to sleep.

A rapid knock came from behind Craig's closed door; his sister, Tricia wanting her brother to wake. He quickly shh-ed her, not wanting the sudden repetition of knuckles against the wood to startle Tweek.

"Come on Craig, breakfast is on the table," she called loudly. From the floor, a nervous growl erupted from Tweek, a sure sign that he was already on edge.

"Tricia, stop!" Craig hissed. "I'll be down in a minute. Tell mom to get a plate for Tweek too." He could hear his sister roll her eyes, his explanation being enough to send her away. As soon as he was sure that she had left, Craig sat up in his bed as he rubbed his eyes. "Tweek, come on, dude. Time to wake up."

"Mmmrphf."

"I know, but we'll get some coffee ready. Come on." As if he said the magic words, Tweek rose from the floor, his hair a complete mess; as it typically was.

"What time is it?" Tweek questioned as he blinked his eyes quickly.

"Hell if I know. Some ungodly hour." The two of them left Craig's room in a hurry, the smell of bacon and eggs waking their hungry tummies. Walking down the stairs, they were greeted by Laura, her voice chipper for the day's events. At the head of the table, Thomas was reading the morning paper. Tricia sat in her seat, seeming to scowl at Craig; they had their own way of saying their good mornings. With a quick flick of his middle finger, Craig sat down next to her as he roughly brushed his dark hair with his hands.

Tweek made his way into the kitchen, the scent of breakfast blend calling his name. His body shook slightly, either nervous or in anticipation of the first cup of coffee. Pouring himself a cup, he called back towards the table, asking if anyone else wanted any. In unison, the Tucker household denied the morning brew, knowing that Tweek could finish the pot on his own; he would certainly need it if he was going to make it through the day without any real incident. With cup in hand, Tweek made his way towards the breakfast table to join his friend's family as if he was one of them. He even had his own spot at their table, his plate still empty.

It was normal for Tweek not to eat until he had his first cup of coffee. And instead of wasting food, Laura had learned that it was better for Tweek to make his own serving when he was ready. There was a quiet conversation between the five of them that morning. They did not touch on subjects of school or professions, thinking it best not get the boys too riled up before they were ready. In between a moment of silence, Tricia spoke up as she shoveled a fork full of soft fluffy eggs into her mouth.

"So, are you two dating yet?" There was a collective sigh from Craig and Thomas, as they knew this question had been asked too many times through the years.

"How many times do I have to tell you, we're not gay," Craig said angrily, once more flicking his younger sister off.

"Not that you know of," she replied, returning the hand gesture. "Tweek didn't date through high school, and you hooked up with every girl who gave you attention, fuck boy. I think the two of you are waiting for each other when you go off to college. It's only a matter of time before you guys get together."

Craig sat uncomfortably in his chair. The rumors about his dalliances with girls at his school were out of control. One night he slipped away from the crowd only to find someone he did not even know crying. He was not sure what compelled him to sit and listen; perhaps it had been Clyde's fault. Lord knew he always needed a listening ear when he and Bebe had arguments. But, after that night, school rumors spread like wildfires that the two had hooked up. With every new party he would attend, there would be someone else that needed a friend to talk to. Though Craig would want to rather be left alone, he could never refuse someone in need. By then, Craig saw no point in trying to dispel the tales. After all, it was just mindless gossip.

"Tricia," Laura scolded, "Leave your brother alone. You're going to make Tweek uncomfortable."

"Besides," Thomas chimed in, "My son wouldn't be gay."

"That you know of," Tricia repeated.

For the next few hours, the Tucker household was in a whirlwind as everyone continued to get ready for graduation. Craig dressed quickly in a white button-down shirt and plain blue tie. He tucked his shirt into his black slacks, a simple belt holding everything in place. Thinking that it would help save time, he let Tweek borrow a shirt and pants. However, he could not help but laugh at himself as he noticed that his clothes were a bit too big for him. Tweek stood in the middle of Craig's room, uncomfortable in his friend's clothes.

"Maybe I should go home and get redressed."

"If you do that now, you're probably going to be late. If you're worried about my clothes not fitting you, no one is going to see them under our graduation gowns. But, if it makes you feel better, I can get some safety pins to hold everything in place." Before Tweek was able to respond, Craig had left his room in search of small metal pins.

Alone, Tweek nervously pulled at Craig's shirt as he gazed around the room that he had come to know so well over the years. He could feel panic rising in his chest as he began to mentally say goodbye to a safe haven. His eyes closed tightly together as he counted backward from one hundred. Tweek was unsure if counting would really help; it seemed to when he could not quiet the ticking in his head. When he was close to fifty, his mind started to wonder to a peaceful place, where nothing could harm him. It was slightly ironic, he noted years before, but this small pocket in his mind was one place his anxiety could not reach.

"Here, Tweek," Craig spoke loudly as he returned to his room. In his hand, he held a small number of safety pins. Not sure if they would be enough, he had already begun to think where critical points in Tweek's attire that needed the most security. Brought back to reality, Tweek's expression seemed pained with guilt, having to once again rely on Craig come to the rescue. He could not help but let out a soft jittery laugh as he thought back to the night before.

"Thanks, Super Craig." Shaking his head, Craig quickly went to work at folding up the arms of Tweek's shirt up to his elbows, making the best his could the oversized shirt. He instructed Tweek to turn around so that he could pull the button shirt tighter to his skin; but not too tight to pull at the buttons that he was sure Tweek would need to play with them for reassurance once the ceremony started.

Once Craig was sure that he had done the best he could with the white shirt, he bent down to the ground to secure the bottoms of Tweek's trousers. He had to tuck a solid three inches to the inside of his pants, only to reevaluate his work. Thinking it would be better suited for Tweek, he redid the folds so that they were on the outside. Standing back to examine his progress, Craig was surprised by how well he had done—if not more surprised by how well Tweek looked wearing his clothes.

"I look alright?" Tweek asked with his arms extended out towards his sides as he looked down at his borrowed apparel. Instead of answering, Craig turned away, feeling a heat burn his cheeks, as he dug around in his closet.

"One last thing," he called back. Perusing through his drawers, Craig searched for a tie to complete Tweek's semi-casual outfit. Finally, he found the perfect one; a pale green checkered tie. Quickly, he turned his attention back towards his friend, handing off his find. He would have offered to tie it for him, but Craig thought it would be better for Tweek to do it himself, adding his own effort. While Tweek put together—or tried—his tie, Craig went back into his closet in search of one that would fit him better, thinking his boring blue one would be out of place.

During his exploration, Craig thought to himself; why on Earth did he have a green tie for Tweek? And why green? Did he buy one and forget about it? Had he always had it? His mind was muddied with thoughts, making him almost forget what he was looking for. Absently, Craig found another darker blue plaid tie for himself, quickly wrapping it around his neck neatly.

Finally, ready, he looked back at Tweek, who was now fidgeting with the green fabric around his neck. He grunted to himself in annoyance, as if he was trying to make sure that he was presentable.

"It's fine, Tweek," Craig mumbled monotonously. He kept his attention away from Tweek, not wanting to think about the impossible questions that now consumed him. They would be answered in time, he was sure, just as the questions to the universe would be. This was not the time to dwell on matters he did not want to be bothered with. From the bottom of the stairs, Thomas called up to the boys, telling them that he would be taking them to the football field where their graduation would be taking place.

They walked down to the bottom of the stairs, Laura bombarding the boys with a camera, wanting to preserve the memories. After what seemed like an eternity, Thomas finally spoke up to his wife, telling her that they needed to go. Free from his mother's attention the boys left the house with Thomas leading the way towards his car. They gathered in the vehicle without a word between them. Though this was normal, Craig felt an uneasy weight in his stomach.

Driving to the field, he was silent. He could hear his father talking with Tweek replying politely, yet not enough to carry a conversation. Craig kept his attention on the passing scenery of the town, businesses passing by for one last time. How many times had he driven down the road, staring at the buildings, yet not notice the day to day life of the other residents of South Park? This day was a momentous day for half of the population. But, for the others, they carried on with their own errands, working menial professions just to get by.

Their lives were so lost to him before this morning, that it made Craig wonder what else he failed to realize. A sudden idea popped into his head, causing his cheeks to flush once more. He closed his eyes tightly, pushing the thought out before it was able to take root.

"So, are you boys ready? These next few weeks are going to be going by fast. Probably faster than you expect."

"Yeah," Craig spoke somberly. Up until this point, he was ready and willing to embrace his upcoming life change. But, now he was not so sure. If his friendships were to change dramatically, what would happen to them? Would they come to know each other only as strangers? No, he thought loudly to himself, that could never happen.

Craig and Tweek joined their lifelong friends behind a large stage in the middle of the football field. There was a common tiredness amongst the soon to be young adults as the night before seemed to be a terrible shared dream. They had all made new promises to keep in touch, these pacts seeming to be more real than all the others they had vowed to keep. As the hour for their graduation drew near, there was a collective sadness that hung on everyone's shoulders. Would they drift apart, like the other generations of friends before them? Or would they be able to maintain a connection that would even rival time itself? Though Craig was sure that there would be some distance just beyond the horizon for most them, he wanted to believe that his small group of tightly knit friends would stay together forever.

There was a sound of music that signaled to everyone that the ceremony was about to begin. Parents, families, and friends took their seats in bleachers behind the crowd of children as they poured in well-rehearsed to their assigned seats. There were loud cheers and screams from the stands just as parents had done a lifetime ago for them. In the air was excitement from all the parties involved, sparking every frown and happy tear that was shed. As teachers and authority spoke at the podium, the time came to when the class president, Wendy Testaburger, made her way to the stage to give her mandatory congratulatory, inspiration speech.

As expected, there were cheers and loud jokes made by the student body; mostly from Stan Marsh and Eric Cartman respectfully. Before she was able to start, an uproar of laughter and name calling was heard throughout the crowds; cementing the fact that some things never change. With a sly, comforting smile just at the corners of his lips, Craig glanced over towards Tweek. Whatever could or would happen, their friendship would never change. He was sure of that now. So sure, in fact, that he did not need to glance down at his friend's hands to know that he was playing with his thumbs—the upcoming presentation of awards getting to him.

"Tweek," he whispered, not listening to Wendy as she spoke, "Take a deep breath dude. Everything will be okay." Between them sat Heidi Turner. She listened in on their conversation, slightly annoyed, as she tried her best to hear Wendy. Not that she was trying, however. It was mostly background noise. The whispering back and forth soon bothered her to the point to where she had to intervene.

"Guys. I get that you're trying to calm him down, Craig, but you're being rude. Can you just sit here in silence and listen? Some of us actually want to hear what she has to say."

"Yeah, yeah," Craig said, not taking Heidi's words to heart. He watched her roll her eyes, dismissing his empty words; there was no way now that she would be able to listen to Wendy's speech. From the corner of her eyes, she could see Tweek beginning to shake and twitch. She let out a defeated sigh as she looked back to Craig.

"Do you want to switch or something? He's not looking so good," she motioned to the boy beside her with her thumb. For an instant, she could see Craig's face darken with concern. Heidi shook her head as she thought to herself, sitting up in her chair without being noticed. Craig scooted over into her chair as Heidi maneuvered into his old seat. Keeping Craig in her peripheral, she watched as he was able to calm the nervous blonde now beside him with kind words. "You two should just start dating, Momma Bird." Heidi had to stifle a small laugh as Craig shot her a look, his cheeks slightly red.

Though normally, his crystal clear piercing eyes would cause her to retreat into herself, Heidi saw confusion and uncertainty in his gaze. She could feel her eyes grow in wonderment as if she could see an internal struggle. "No, shit," she exclaimed, her giggling getting the best of her.

"Shut it," Craig commanded, though his words had now lost their normal venom. Craig watched as Heidi continued with her fit, shaking her head in disbelief.

"Relax, Craig. I'm not the only to think that, you have to know that by now. Your 'friendship' with Tweek has caught the eye of everyone in the class. We just assumed."

"Well, it's not true."

"Yeah, yeah," she mocked, "Even the girls you've slept with thought something was off. Though they gave you praise for your work, they could never really pinpoint your aggressiveness or your lack of commentary. It all makes sense now."

"Some guys like it rough. And, don't talk. It's not like it's out of the ordinary," Craig said, trying to convince her. Or, was he trying to persuade himself? Craig let out a grumbled response under his breath, he himself not sure of what he said.

"Just keep telling yourself that, Momma Bird. When you two do hook-up, just be nice to him."

"I am nice to him!" Craig whisper-yelled. It was not until the people around them turned to face Craig, did he realize how loud he was. His blush intensified as eyes rested on him. Beside him, he could feel Tweek brush up against his arm, asking if he was alright. It was out of character for Craig to suddenly lose control of himself. "We're just friends," Craig finally said, more to himself than to Heidi.

The three of them sat in silence after Craig's outburst. Their attention was back to Wendy as her speech came to a close. Cheers sounded throughout the field as applause roared. However, despite the thunderous clapping and screaming around them, Craig sat silently, nothing getting to him. Lost in his own thoughts, he blocked out everything. Was Heidi right to assume that he and Tweek were a couple? If it was, why was Craig not bothered about them dating? Why did it cause his heart to beat quickly against his chest at the very thought of them being intimate? Carefully, from the corner of his eye, Craig watched Tweek smile widely—as genuine as possible, though there was a growing panic brewing just below the surface as students began to stand to walk to the stage.

Watching the temporary excitement on his face, the split-second moment of pure joy, the way his anxiety seemed to disappear completely, the light on his face. Never, had Craig even taken the time to notice how special it was. How it made him feel. Sure, Tweek had smiled before. He even had moments, hours, where he was untouched by his crippling anxiety as he allowed himself to truly be alive. But, in this moment, where their lives were ending a chapter and about to start anew, did he realize just how simple his lips curled up his cheeks as they exposed lightly coffee stained teeth. How his eyes would squint the tiniest bit. How his reddened cheeks spread to the tops of his ears. The locks of his disheveled blonde hair tickled the back of his neck as if to encourage him to keep this happiness alive.

Craig felt a cloud hang over his head as he turned his attention to his feet planted firmly on the ground. His ears rang loudly, blocking out anything that tried to gain his attention. That was, of course, everything except for the deafening sound of his own heartbeat. Even the red-hot heat that burned his face in the cool early morning, felt like a dull warmth; like the beginning of a light sunburn. It was only when Tweek pulled on his robe, did Craig come back to reality. He looked up at the blonde boy, completely dazed. He nodded reflexively as he stood, following his row of classmates to the stage. As they stood in a neat group, Heidi gently nudged Craig out of the way to get back into alphabetical order.

Craig's head was spinning with his own thoughts that he almost missed his name getting called to walk across the stage. Another nudge from Heidi and a whisper from Tweek later, Craig found himself walking towards the podium with his principal and a small group of teachers, waiting to shake his hand. Snapshots of the scene that would be later printed for memory, would show that Craig smiled his typical carefree grin. There would be no trace of worry on his face, no confusion clouding his eyes.

The rest of the ceremony ended quickly. Caps were thrown, as was tradition, and the thoughts that plagued Craig before had been erased from his mind. Friends came together in large groups, hugging and laughing. They congratulated each other on the accomplishments of their shared high school years. Talks of parties that would span the expanse of the weekend buzzed quietly, just out of earshot of parents. All seemed right in the world.

* * *

"Everyone should be here soon," Token called out from his kitchen. Craig and Clyde were sitting in their friend's living room as they played games on the console. After graduation, Tweek had gone home with his parents, leaving Craig to join his other friends as they carpooled to Token's house. He had heard Token invite Tweek to the party, probably out of courtesy, but was slightly relieved when Tweek turned him down. This would be their last weekend in South Park before going off to college, and Craig wanted to spend it not thinking about his possible feelings for Tweek. He thought it was too complicated. There were many unanswered questions that he did not wish to answer during the party.

But, though he wanted nothing more than to forget about everything, Craig could feel his thoughts getting the better of him.

"Hey," he spoke out as Token walked into the living room, "Do you think I could ask you guys a question? Just between the three of us?" Clyde raised a brow as he paused the game. He looked over at Craig, seeing a disgruntled look on his face. Slowly he glanced at Token as if to ask him to start first. As Token opened his mouth to say something, the doorbell rang. The three of them sat in heavy silence for a moment. They could see that Craig was thinking hard about something; a look that he did not often wear unless there was something really bothering him.

"Sure dude, what's up?" Token started, his voice soft and reassuring. From the hallway, there were sounds of their classmates making their way into the house. If he was going to ask his questions, Craig thought he was better off asking them privately.

"N-nothing. Forget I said anything."


	2. Chapter Two

    “I’m so proud of you,” Tweek’s mother gushed once the Tweak family was home.  She held her son in her arms tightly as she pulled him in close.  In his mother’s chest, he could hear her heart beating wildly.  Her voice was its trademark soft tenor, oozing with motherly love.  Mrs. Tweak had been quiet and reserved during the ceremony.  Her husband, however, had screamed and cheered enough for the both of them.  

    Tweek returned his mother’s embrace; his mind cloudy with his own thoughts he was sure would cause an anxiety attack given the chance.  Twice that day, his relationship with Craig had been brought up in conversation.  This was a normal occurrence while in school, and Tweek had learned to push the insecurities out of his head.  But, near loved ones and in hushed tones, only the two of them could hear, Tweek could not help but feel heartbroken to catch the quick and sure response from Craig demanding as always, that they were just good friends.

    “Thanks, Mom,” Tweek whispered back to his mother as she slowly pulled herself away from their intimate grasp.  As they pulled apart, it became apparent to Tweek just how much he had changed over the years.  His body had a bit of muscle and had grown tight since the start of high school.  He recounted his growth spurts, only to realize that he was just as tall as his mother; a solid five foot, six inches. 

    The distance between them only made Tweek see the sadness in her eyes.  Dark circles wore themselves heavy on her face as if she had spent the past week awake at night.  He was almost sure that she had.  Just like him, Tweek’s mother did not sleep often at night—most of the time staying awake until her son returned home from work, up with mother’s worry.  How was she going to sleep while he was at school, he wondered?

    “Monday, did you want us to drive you to the campus?  We could take the day off from the shop and help you get situated in your room,” Richard Tweak offered as he walked into the living room, watching his wife hold their son at arm’s length.

    “No, it should be okay.  I think the guys wanted to drive up together and we were going to spend the day helping each other out.”  Tweek let out an involuntary twitch as he thought of he and his friends.  More so because of Craig and what would become of them.  Tweek thought about their futures often.  Lately, it was one of the many thoughts that kept him awake this past year.  Would they stay as they always were?  He could not help but let out an involuntary sigh and trademark twitch as his mind was soon plagued with unwanted anxiety.  No, he chastised.  Everything will be okay.  Just take deep breaths, and everything will be fine.

    “Are you sure you didn’t want to go hang out with them this weekend?  I heard through the grapevine that everyone would be together.”

    “H-how did you hear?”  Tweek asked, stumbling on his words as panic rose to his chest.  He was sure that he had kept his mouth shut about the parties during the weekend.  He was sure that there was to be debauchery and mischief through the coming days and nights; not that he wanted to be a part of it.  The loud and sudden noises angered his anxiety to points to which caused him to eventually spend the night held up alone secluded in darkness.  Most likely in a closet in a forgotten bedroom.

    “You think you kids are so sneaky,” Richard winked as he walked into the kitchen to start brewing a fresh pot of coffee.  Alone once again, Tweek and his mother stood in their living room, frozen in time.  Mrs. Tweek had picked up on her son’s anxiety and turmoil over the years whenever Craig was brought into a conversation in general or specifically.  It did not take a rocket scientist to realize that her son harbored feelings for his friend; romantic feelings. 

It worried her when he would come home from spending the night with Craig, only to see his face broken and lost.  She had asked him about it years before when they had entered middle school and a few times more in high school.  Every time Tweek would answer, it was the same thing; they had spent the night talking about stars and planets.  Or some other easy fallback answer.  Nothing to support or deny any kind of involvement between the two of them.

    “Why don’t you go up to your room and pack some clothes.  I’m sure you would like the time alone,” his mother finally said, breaking the silence between the two of them.  Tweek nodded in agreement, thinking that if he was able to put away physical memories, he would be able to sleep without the constant reminders of things that would never come.

* * *

     Tweek’s room was in constant disarray.  Clothes littered the floor, buildings made from old Legos and K’nex.  There were little towns that he had built over the years pushed away to the edges of his room.  As he stood in his doorway, he looked at all the toys and projects he had worked on alone and with the help of Craig.  It was obvious who had done what; Tweek’s contraptions were wonky, unstable and doomed to fail even if they did not.  Craig’s, however, held a hand to the test of time in their exact calculations.  Neat towers, strong support systems, unwavering construction.  In these tiny models were their personalities and perceptions of the world.  One demanded order to perform the simplest of tasks.  The other relied only on the will to survive.

    He could not help but smile to himself sadly as he stepped towards the memories.  Tweek thought that he would one day come to destroy the masterpieces, but whenever presented with the opportunity, he could never commit to the idea.  There was just too much at stake, he thought.  If the simple designs working together in harmony could find a way to exist, he was hopeful that he and Craig would be able to do the same, no matter what came their way.

    Over the course of the day, Tweek rummaged around his room thinking what to pack away for school and what to pack away to clean up.  It was hard to decide what he would need.  Everything that he was could be placed in just a few boxes.  Old jerseys from when he played for the high school football team mixed in with light jackets and winter clothes.  Even his letterman jacket was thrown into a box marked for memories.  Tweek had enjoyed his time playing football; the sport allowed him to work out his excess energy and some anxiety.  But, he had only tried out for the team because Craig had convinced him to do so.  There was no passion to commit to the sport; only to Craig.

    He held the faux leather in his hands as his fingers danced over the stitching.  All the games he played in came flooding back to him.  The nights spent away from home in other towns when South Park had achieved regional stardom stained the sleeves with stale scents of Craig’s cologne.  Shamelessly, Tweek held the sleeves to his face, taking in the warmth of musky smells.  His eyes closed tightly as he imagined everything he could.  He felt his cheeks burn.  He was sure that if he kept the jacket to his nose too long it was sure to catch flame, as he relived each memory in such detail Tweek was positive that he was transported back to years before.

    Slowly, and with much disdain, Tweek pulled himself away before his memories would become too hurtful.  Craig’s no-care attitude seemed like he had the ability to completely disregard anything that happened between the two of them behind closed doors.  He was thankful for that; if Craig did not dwell on anything that could be misconstrued as something else, so could Tweek.  On occasion, they even slept in the same bed—a familiar body was one remedy that worked when Tweek was either running low on medication or had taken too much that day.  They cuddled during nights when Tweek was vulnerable, his mind having its own way.  Held hands when Tweek had trouble breathing, panic holding tightly in his throat.  It was a safety blanket; Craig was his safety blanket.  But, Tweek could never say the thought aloud.  He feared that as soon as he uttered his name in any way other than in a friendly manner, he would tarnish everything that they had between them.  All the talks, all the inside jokes, gone in an instant.  Forever cursed beyond repair.  No, Tweek had to hold in his secret feelings for their relationship’s sake.  For his own sanity’s sake.

    With a heavy sigh, Tweek folded up his jacket as best as he was able—his anxious twitching slowly growing in severity and continuity—before placing it into a box marked to stay home with his parents.  There would be no place for unrequited feelings while in school, Tweek was sure.  He took a moment to look around his room once more, attempting to figure out what to work on next.  Stepping towards his computer, Tweek opened his media player filed with a secret playlist full of heartbreak and rejection.  Which, in hindsight, was probably not the best choice in music to listen while tiding up, but the mood fit.  And, Tweek felt like he could use some self-hate to remind himself that it was pointless in chasing after dreams.  After finding a song that he was content with, Tweek stood, walking somberly towards the group of old buildings, thinking that it was time to let go even if he was not ready. 

* * *

     The rest of the afternoon, running into early evening, Tweek stayed in his room cleaning up as best he could.  He chuckled to himself more than once when he found old yearbooks from his collective years in high school and middle school.  Flipping through the pages, it was ironically bittersweet.  Tweek had been one to always try to push out embarrassing memories, or ones that would bring out his anxiety—which was easy to do—and because of that had he had not taken the time to actually cherish events from school.  However, in his hours alone, there was a part of him that did not want to be afraid anymore.  A part of him that did not want to be controlled by his crippling anxiety anymore.  This was who was, for better or worse, and it was time he thought that he should accept it.

    His senior yearbook was now in his lap, his fingers touching the slick laminated paper tentatively.  Spirit week seemed to last half the book with students from the entire school smiling on various themed days.  Then it was the homecoming football game.  The high school in South Park was too small to have a junior varsity and varsity team, so the majority of those who had tried out for the team were given a spot, either managerial or as a player.  Tweek was sure that some of them felt resentment towards Tweek; though he had been on the team since their sophomore year, he really did not feel that he has the talent nor the coordination to play a team sport.  But, every year, he was a dedicated player, often getting enough play time to become a recognized person of importance.

    Or, perhaps, he only was able to make the team because of the encouragement and support from Craig.  Whatever the reason, Tweek played his hardest each and every game.  Their homecoming game was rigorous, the other team not taking it easy on the South Park Cows.  But, Tweek played at his best that game.  Because of his need to run away from uncomfortable situations and rather small frame in comparison to others on the team, Tweek had been selected as their half back.  The majority of the teams plays depended on him, which only fueled his anxiety.  If there was one thing he had to fear above anything else, it was letting others down.  Luckily for Tweek, however, their quarterback was someone who he could count on in times of great uncertainty.

    The last play of the game was the deciding factor in whether or not they would win their game.  Their homecoming.  It was cold, and it had started to snow in the last quarter.  Steam rose high in the air as if trying to shake what was to come.  Both teams lined themselves up on the fifty-yard line.  It was all or nothing and the South Park Cow seniors had everything to lose.  And everything to gain.

During the huddle, there had been some concerns as to the ability of their team actually performing the play that had been decided upon.  There were disagreements.  Some of the players had thought that it would be better to just leave and let some other teammates play, since there was a very slim chance, if any, their plan would work.  But, in typical Craig fashion, he had calmed his team down, supported them, and reassured Tweek that it would succeed.  A collective silence came over the field and stands as Craig yelled out the play.

    “Oh shit!  I hate all of you!  Fuck off!  Hut!”  In an instant, bodies slammed against each other.  Thunder sounded, sparking the electricity in the air.  Tweek could feel everyone hold their breath as he watched the jersey in front of him.  Time slowed down as the number sixteen jersey sprinted on ahead.  If their plan was to work, Tweek needed to focus.  Dodging players.  Weaving out of danger.  Stepping in the right spot at the right time.  The blonde nervous wreck was able to keep up, his body acting on trained impulse.

    The rest of their team was doing their part in keeping their opponents occupied while Tweek and Craig ran towards the end zone.  They ran past the forty-yard line.  Them the thirty.  Tweek could feel his heart beating out of his chest as he thought for the briefest of moments that they might actually be able to pull it off.  That he would be able to secure their victory.

    Sounds from the home team bleachers screamed deafeningly loud, but Tweek could barely hear them.  If he allowed himself to get caught up in the thought of everyone’s eyes on him and Craig, he was ninety-nine percent sure he would panic, causing him to freeze at a moment’s notice.  From behind them, a soft murmur from Stan fluttered past his ears.  Just as his words resonated with Tweek, Craig turned around, his face serious and fueled by adrenaline.   Time stopped in that instant.  Whatever happens, Tweek, do not look back, he could hear Craig say in his head.  Tweek stretched out his arms, waiting for the ridged leather to touch his freezing cold hands.  He began pleading to himself, begging, that he would be able to receive the ball and not drop it on the ground.  You got this, man.  I believe in you, Craig’s voice whispered once more to Tweek.

    Normally, when handed too much responsibility, Tweek could feel his eyes grow in terror.  His hands shake in uncertainty.  His body twitch in agony.  All three of these three tale-tell signs that a panic attack was about to take hold of his sanity rippled through his body.  Craig Tucker held out his hands to Tweek, as the ball slowly let go from his grasp.  Without making sure that Tweek had captured the ball, Craig turned his attention to two opposing players as they rushed him.  His shoulder fell low as his padding hit hard against the stomach of a large, beefy monster of a boy.  He was easily seventy-five pounds of solid muscle heavier than Tweek.  Given the chance, he was sure that he could snap him like a twig.

    But, Craig was not about to let that happen.  Suddenly, Tweek felt the coarse texture of pigskin in his hand.  Instinct taking over, he pulled the ball in close to his body as he raced around Craig now flat on the ground.  His eyes closed tightly together in a last-ditch effort to focus on his goal.

    “Run it, Tweek!”  Craig yelled, his voice pained.  During his collision with other players, it was now obvious that Craig had been injured.  Worry gripped Tweek’s heart as he heard Craig scream above everyone else.  Do not look back, he heard again.  I believe in you.  The ground tore under the weight of his body as he pushed his cleats to grab the dirt as hard as they could.  Anything to give him an edge over the hoard of players now rushing towards him.  His breath grew shallow as a sharp pain in his chest began to restrict his airflow.  Panic was setting in.  The world around him began to grow fuzzy just as his foot stepped over the white line—he made it.  Tweek had scored the final touchdown to win the game.

    Onlookers from both sides screamed in excitement as the buzzer sounded around them.  This was a scene that would stand the test of time, he thought.  At least for him, it would.  He began to slow down, finally reaching the very back of the end zone.  His breathing was labored as he bent over, trying desperately to fill his lungs.  The muscles in his legs felt like Jell-O as his body began to sway.  Tweek thought that he was about to hit the ground as he felt the support of an arm around his waist, holding him up.  Another grabbed onto his arm, hoisting him over a tall body.  Still dazed, not entirely aware of what was going on, Tweek slowly turned his head to see Craig holding him up.  His face was red with excitement as he smiled; a smile that was bright enough to light up the night sky alone.  Faintly, Tweek tried to return the gesture, his arms flipping around him.

    “I’m so proud of you,” Craig whispered as the rest of their team collided with them, hoisting Tweek up into the air in victory.  Tweek felt his body fall limp as the reality of what he accomplished finally hit him.  A wide-toothed grin covered his face as a tear fell from his eye.  Someone had believed in him, and for the first time, Tweek had not felt like a failure.  His head fell back in disbelief as he fumbled with the clasps of his helmet.  Behind him, he saw Craig staring directly at him walking slowly with help from Kenny and Clyde.  Sweat fell from his head as he too had taken off his helmet.  He had made the right choice in thinking that their tactic would work.

    In a gesture of solidarity, Tweek raised his free hand, giving Craig the bird.  He could see Craig chuckle darkly to himself.  Weakly, Craig too raised his middle finger, a new sense of pride filling his heart.  Tweek had grown into a soon-to-be man who, given the chance and the right amount of faith, could do anything he wanted.  Following suit, the rest of the South Park Cows raised their hands in the air, flipping off the world.  Abruptly, there was a knock at his door, tearing Tweek away from reminiscing his past.

    “Honey, dinner is on the table,” his mother called just beyond the threshold.  Steadily, Tweek stretched his legs, feeling the sharp pain of pins and needles pick every nerve and tendon.

    “I’ll be down in a sec,” he called back, his hands rubbing his legs.  Soon the feeling came back into his extremities.  Steadily, he began to stand.  As his body bent over the ground for balance, Tweek realized he was still wearing a wide smile on his face.  With a shake of his head, Tweek continued to force himself to stand.  Still bent over, he saw a single tear fell to the ground.  Reaching towards his face, he could feel a slickness running down his cheeks, rolling in tandem.  Had he been crying?  If so, why?  It made no sense to him, not that anything Tweek did under duress made sense.  Quickly, he wiped his face with the unrolled sleeve borrowed from Craig.

    Why was he still wearing Craig’s clothes?  Damnit, he cursed.  He had spent most of his day trying to put Craig out of his mind and filed everything away for torture when he was feeling especially downtrodden.  So, why the hell had he not changed?  Tweek twitched violently as a squeal erupted from his chest.

    “Gotta change,” he whispered softly.  “Why d-did no one rem-m-ind me?  Mmmrphf.”  He twitched again, it threatening to knock him off balance.  Goddamnit, Tweek cursed to himself once more.  Carefully he reached towards his loose collar to take off his borrowed tie.  When presented with the soft satin fabric, Tweek almost lost his mind.  Craig had seemed so prepared for their graduation as if he expected Tweek to spend the night and have to change.  That was so like Craig, the blonde thought fondly.  A knight in shining armor to a bumbling idiot.  Tweek was unsure of when or how Craig had attained the perfect tie, in texture and in color, for him but he was glad for it.  In some alternate reality, Tweek thought that there was a story for it; another version of the boy’s bound together by more than friendship.

    He shook his head to push the idea out of his head—there was no way that would happen, he had to keep reminding himself that.  Though it brought a warmness to his heart, Tweek could not entertain the idea that Craig would be able to return his feelings.  Shit, the twitchy teen mumbled inside his head.  As the fabric lifted over his head, Tweek gently placed it on the back of his door, hanging on the doorknob neatly.  His fingers fumbled with the buttons that ran down the length of his chest.  Tweek took his time; his anxiety was beginning to grow out of hand, the ferocity of his twitching increasing with each passing second.  It was almost debilitating, having to undo the small plastic pieces as they fell undone one at a time.

    He tugged at the cotton tucked into his pants, forgetting that there had been pins placed in the back.  Did Craig secure his shirt to his pants, knowing that if he did not, Tweek’s shirt was sure to come undone?  An involuntary grunt came out of Tweek’s mouth as he reached to unclasp the metal.  He could feel the fire that burned the skin on his face.  Craig had always thought of everything.  Of course, he would have taken the time to think of all the ways to make sure Tweek looked his best.

    “Uurrr-fuck,” he whispered angerly.  He had spent the better half of the afternoon pushing his feelings for Craig out of his mind and his life.  But, despite that, every little thing around him only brought pain to his heart.  No matter how hard he tried, or wanted to, Tweek could never, never, forget about Craig.  The way his dark raven hair fluttered in the spring air under the restraint of his cap.  The way his steely blue eyes burned with such emotion and passion, there was never a reason for him to elaborate on his feelings.  The way his casual, commanding, stoic steps echoed through the halls at school as students, both friend, and stranger, moved out of his way.

    The way that his voice sounded like he was always sick, deep and velvety with a touch of congestion.  The way his smile, when only in the company of Tweek, his real smile spread so wide Tweek was afraid that he could become lost if he ever stared too long.  The way he laughed when a joke was so funny, he snorted then would become embarrassed, only to realize he gave no fucks and continued to laugh once more.  The way he looked when he was fast asleep.  The way his hands, though massive and heavy, could never harm anyone unless warranted.  The way that he always put on a tough guy façade, but he was the biggest softy anyone could ever hope to find.  The way he cared for all the Stripes that had come and gone during their friendships with unwavering compassion.  The way he shared his dreams only with Tweek and his unrelenting giddiness when talking about the vastness of the cosmos.

    The way he could calm the anxious boy’s darkest thoughts with just a touch or a whisper or a look.  The way he made Tweek’s chest burn with such intensity he could have sworn he had died over and over only to be reborn again and again.  The way he made him feel safe.  The way he had made Tweek fall so head over heels in love with him, each time the blonde was isolated, he never felt alone because Craig was never far from his thoughts.

    Before long, Tweek was standing still in his room, tears dripping down his face.  He did not hold back anymore.  Not that he could even if he wanted to.  Tweek felt snot running out of his nose, his face contorting into an ugly mess as he became unhinged.  There was another knock at his door, more concerned than before.  It had been ten minutes since his mother had told him dinner was ready.  And yet, Tweek had not come to join his family.  Hiccups sounded out his chest.  These were not normal hiccups, though, and it quickly became apparent to his mother that something was wrong.

    Mrs. Tweak was respectful of her son’s privacy, but when he was troubled by anything, little to nothing could stop her from intervening.  With a small commanding whisper, she informed Tweek that she was coming in.  When he failed to reply, it only fueled her concern.  His door creaked open as Mrs. Tweak stepped through to see her son huddled on the ground.  His small frame shook violently as his tears now audible continued to flood towards the floor.  Her hand reached to touch his back in a loving, calming manner.  When he did not jump at her fingertips, dread filled her heart.  She could count on both her hands the times in Tweek’s life when he had been so upset that he had been unresponsive.  Pulling up her dress, Mrs. Tweak kneeled to the carpet, pulling her son in close.

    Without realizing it, Tweek grabbed hold of his mother tightly.  Burying his face into her the soft cotton of her apron, his breath caught as he sobbed.  God, how he loved Craig.  It tore him apart from the very core of his soul, shattering every fiber within himself.  But, his feelings would never come to be returned.  Tweek was positive about that.  There was no doubt in his mind that the tall, calm, cool, collected entity that was Craig, would ever in a million years come to say that he loved Tweek the way that he loved Craig.

    “Honey,” his mother cooed, “What’s wrong?”  Her distress was heavy in her angelic voice as she tried to talk with her son.  From behind the two of them, she could feel the presence of her husband standing in the doorway.  Even from the distance between the three of them, it was evident that he too was worried for his son.  No answer was heard in the silence that consumed the small family.  Only the gasps of air, the horrendous coughing and sputtering as salty tears continued to leave Tweek could be heard.

    “Tweek,” Richard spoke, his normally excitable voice soft and low, “Tell us what’s the matter.”

    “… N-nev-never love me,” Tweek finally said between pants.  Though he was hidden away from the peering eyes of his parents, Tweek felt a shift in his mother as she looked back towards his father.  He could hear her eyes pleading with her husband as she wished to understand what he meant.

    “Who could never love you?”  Richard questioned as he tried to listen closely to catch anything that would give the Tweaks an insight to what was bothering their son.  There was silence once more as they waited patiently for an answer.  Music still played in the background, the song heavy with hurt and pain and everything that Tweek was mourning.  As he worked up the nerve to continue, Tweek paused as he heard soft quiet tears from his mother.

    “Tweek, I’m so sorry I made you feel this way.  Honey, we do love you.  With everything we are.  I am so sorry, we have not always been the most attentive parents.  Even at times when things got hard and we stepped back instead of coming to your rescue.”  She paused a moment to hold her small son in her arms closer, feeling him push away.  It was misunderstood.  He pushed away to look at her in confusion, not pushing away because he was hurt by his sometimes-absent parents.  The tears that fell from his face just seconds before were almost completely gone as he once more tried to separate himself from his mother’s hold.

    “Wait, is that what you think this is about?”  Tweek wiped his face, slightly disgusted with the amount of moisture on his sleeve.  His mother looked at him like a deer in headlights.  Was that not what this was about, her face read.  By this moment, Richard had joined his wife and son on the floor.  The Tweak family had had their ups and downs and had trouble communicating effectively from time to time.  But, when their son needed their support, the husband and wife team tried to be there for Tweek.

    There was an exchange of confusion and slight relief between his parents as they briefly gazed at each other before turning their attention back to the boy.  With a heavy sigh and shake of his head, a small smile pulled at the corner of Tweek’s lips as his body jerked quickly.  “I… I was talking about…. S-someone else,” he finally confessed.  He waited for his parents to interject.  But, when they sat back and waited, Tweek went on.  “I… I think… I-I’ve fallen in love with someone.  A-a-and, I was crying because they probably won’t love me back.  Or, at least, the way I want them to.”

    Another exchange of back and forth stares between his parents.  Faces painted in confusion.  Why would no one, or someone in particular, not return their son’s affections?  Tweek bit at his lip as he felt it tremor, another wave of tears just at the breaking point behind his lids.  His chin began to tremble in fear, in shame as he felt himself about to explain more in detail.  Tweek had always known about who he was.  He was confident—as much as he could be—that his parents had somehow picked up on his preferences.  But, it had never been said aloud.  His lips parted, the name of the one that held his heart just on the surface of his breath.

    “It’s Craig, isn’t it?”  Mrs.  Tweak said, just before her son could.  Relief washed over his body, as he had not yet uttered the short, small syllables that made up his name.  Just as quickly, there was dread.  Her question was asked flatly with no joy or sadness.  It just persisted.  Was his mother ashamed to have a gay son?  Was his father?  Tweek’s head fell as his chin touched his chest.  He was not sure if he had the will, the want, to look at his parents at that moment.  He was too paralyzed by uncertainty to really give them a chance to explain as they had done for him.  Finally, in a moment of defeat, Tweek felt his head bob up and down slowly and ever so slightly, finally answering his mother’s honest curiosity.

    Tweek heard his father sigh.  The way he did, however, caught him off guard.  It was soft, light, almost as if it was a relief.  His brows creased together again in confusion.  Were they not mad with him?  His parents accepted him?  As he was?  Carefully, slowly, so agonizingly slow, Tweek lifted his head to finally see both his parents looking at him since they had come to his rescue.  Smiling.  They were grinning, so wide, so bright.  So, elated.  His heart broke into a thousand small splinters as all of his walls just poofed from existence.

    Tweek felt his jaw drop to the ground.  The barricade that held back the floodgates in his eyes failed as hot tears poured down his face.  But, these drops of salty purity were different from before.  It was relief.  It was hopeful.  It was honest to God one of the best joys Tweek had ever felt.  His arms grabbed his mother once more, pulling her in close.  Tweek felt a blanket of support as his mother’s arms wrapped around his body.  He felt the weight of his father’s touch as he held the both of them in a protective embrace. 

* * *

     It was nearing midnight as Tweek laid across a large flat rock that rested just on the small shore of Stark’s Pond.  From morning to evening, his day had been a whirlwind of emotions.  His eyes felt exhausted, puffy, so incredibly sore.  But, just like every night, sleep would not come easy.  As he stretched out, Tweek listened to songs on his phone, just as he normally would when he had trouble sleeping.  He would analyze the lyrics, pick out all the individual instruments.  It was a simple coping mechanism when Tweek just did not want to take any of his small prescriptions.  The simple act of getting lost in the single moment and not getting consumed by the ticking in his head helped ease his mind before panic seeped in.

    Alone in the darkness with nothing but the bright light of his phone in his face, Tweek changed his current song to one that would seem out of character at first glance.  But, just as with everything he did, it would soon become apparent that it was, in true to form, very, very Tweek.  His eyes rolled to the back of his head as a choir sung softly in his ears.  Angelic voices lulled the darkness away as if washing Tweek in a brilliant light.  He could feel the corner of his lips curl up just a hair as he anticipated what was about to come.  Slowly the voices faded away as violins sung their last cord.  Silence.  Three.  Two.  One.  Heavy bass flooded his senses in chaos as drums beat violently.

    Coarse vocals screamed at him, demanding his soul to be taken away.  Caught up in the flow of the dynamic rhythm of his favorite Viking metal band, Tweek lost himself in soft head bangs.  He felt his eyes squeeze together as he drifted off to another plane of existence.  Just as he had his own refuge within the deepest confines of his mind for when the world was too much, he had another one entirely dedicated to the throws of controlled pandemonium.  His arms raised towards the sky, the heaviest part of the current song soon to arrive.  With the weight of a thousand suns burning down onto his chest, his arms fell lifeless as his back began to arch in ecstasy.  The breakdowns.  God.  Damn.  Dude.  The fucking breakdown of instrumental genius.  Tweek lived for these moments. 

The way his blood boiled underneath his skin.  The way the rhythmic timing of drums, guitar and bass caused his hair to stand on end.  The way that the singer would belt out the chorus line as if it was just for him.  How every line, every word, every minute detail was everything to Tweek.  Just as the song had begun, it came to a comforting end.

    Satiated and excited for more, Tweek quickly found an older band.  From the early 90’s, there was one band that he first fell in love when he first discovered the powerful musical genre that was everything metal.  Out of all the subtypes, the soft, unique, dark and brooding lyrics that was the gothic metal was just the thing to even him out.  It still had the guttural vocals, the quick rhythmic cords of guitars and bass.  But, and he fought with himself constantly trying to figure it out but was never able, there was something that felt like home.  His head still bobbed as his feet taped away in tune to the music.  Every now and then, his body convulsed uncontrollably.  It did not bother him though as much as it normally did.  He was alone, he was in his element.  He was safe.

    During one of the songs where he was set free from his imagination, Tweek’s eyes fluttered for a moment.  It was in that briefest of seconds, that he quickly realized, he was not alone.  His body jolted up in such a way, that when he was almost vertical, his body spasmed aggressively, locking up.  He rolled off the steady flat rock onto the hard ground as his on-looker stifled a laugh, hands in pockets.

    “J-J-esus Chri-ist!  What t-t-the actual fu-f-fuck, Craig!?”  He stuttered.  Damnit, he cursed himself.  There were very few times now that he stammered as much as he just had.  But, it was enough to make him feel self-conscious.  His poor attempt to speak correctly only caused the tall boy to burst into a fit of laughter.  Craig bent over, holding his stomach, roaring into the night.  While still being the center of Craig’s entertainment, Tweek pulled himself from the ground, dusting off his clothes.  He could feel his cheeks burn.  He was sure that they were the brightest red.  Maybe even bright enough to illuminate the area around them.  Tweek felt his top teeth bit down hard on his bottom lip as his eye uncontrollably shut close.  “Do you get some k-k-kind of enjoyment freaking m-m-me out?”

    Craig held up his hand in defense, still laughing hard.  He had already snorted too many times to count, and Tweek was sure he was going to do so again and again and again.  And again.  Slowly, Tweek found his seat back onto of the smooth surface of his rock.  His brows were creased tightly together as his arms folded against his chest.  “Fuck.  You.”

    “Dude,” Craig choked, “Come on.  You have to admit, that was fucking hilarious.”

    “Yeah, no, you’re right.  My heart beating against my chest, my body losing all control.  Falling on my ass.  No, you’re right.  God.  Damn.  Riot.”  Craig burst into another fit of laughter.  Tweek’s body twitched slightly as he calmed down. 


	3. Chapter Three

    “I just don’t get it,” Craig said as he readjusted himself on the rock.  He and Tweek had been sitting at Stark’s now for close to an hour.  During that time, Tweek had shown him everything he could about his music, much to Craig’s dismay.  He understood that his friend loved metal.  And, watching his face light up when he gushed about each song, knowing when each paused for a solo or breakdown, sung—terribly—all the words without missing a beat, Craig felt his heart skip every time Tweek looked at him.  His hazel eyes sparkled with excitement and anticipation as if he wanted Craig to take an interest in his taste in music.

    But, they had been over this before, countless times.  He respected the blonde’s choice in what he liked to listen to.  It just was not for him. And, that was perfectly fine.  Their friendship was not defined by what they liked and disliked.  It was so much deeper than that.  From beside him, Tweek jerked as he looked for a new song to share.  A gust of wind blew around them, a heavy chill carried in its cold arms.  Craig felt his arm lift to his head, pulling at the small poof ball lightly.  His thick black hair grabbed at the knitted cap, not wanting to let go of its homey warmth.

    Craig’s hand fell as he sloppily situated his hat onto Tweek.  The tops of his ears ignited in flames that spread to his face.  His forehead began to sweat in the heat.  His cheeks burned, Craig thought that his skin would blister.  From under his thick lashes, he could see Tweek look at him, confused.

    “… Looked cold,” Craig mumbled.  Fuck.  Why was he blushing so incredibly hard?  It was not like he would not have done the same thing, days before.  Before Tweek started to make his heart flutter.  Before his mind was consumed with every question about his feelings he would rather just forget about.  And, for fuck’s sake.  Why was Craig suddenly so concerned with how he and Tweek interacted with each other?  He had not before, so why was it such a big deal now?  Tweek breathed heavily out of his nose, a smile catching the corners of his lips.

    “Thank you, Craig.”  Craig gave a nod in acknowledgment, not trusting himself to say anything else.  His shoulders began to fold into his chest as he stretched out his arms, his attention now on the starry sky above.  He was thankful for the familiarity and certainty that he found within looking at the simplicity of the lights that flew in space.  Unfortunately, the dark headed boy was having a difficult time focusing.  From the corner of his half-closed eyes, Craig saw Tweek still playing on his phone, skipping one song after the other.  He watched the normally worry stricken eyes stared at the screen with a tinge of dissatisfaction.  His gaze looked down the blonde’s face, watching as his lips pursed together in… Anger?

    No, not anger.  Though Tweek was not above raging when he needed to, or when Craig was being especially stubborn when the anxious boy would freak out, this look was something else entirely.  Craig continued to watch his friend carefully.  Taking his attention off his soft pink lips still twisted in disappointment, his eyes were caught by the strings of his chullo hat fluttering in the small breeze.  It was odd seeing his blue hat with the yellow pompom on someone else.  Almost uncomfortable.  Almost like it did not belong anywhere else but with Craig.  But, it did belong where it now sat, upon the head of the twitchy boy who needed, deserved, all the reassurance in the world.  Craig felt his cheeks sting like a thousand needles poking his flesh.  Another soft blush covered his face as he forced his attention back to the stars above. 

    “Why don’t you go home?  You look exhausted,” Craig whispered, breaking the silence between them.

    “I’d rather not,”  Tweek said, still perusing his phone for a specific song to listen to.  “My mind has been hazy all day with everything to come in the next few weeks.  And, if I go home, then everything I’ve been trying to forget will just come rushing back.  I don’t need to have another dissociative episode today.  However minor it might be.”

    “Another?”  The tall boy asked, raising a brow, his full attention now back to his friend.  He watched as Tweek twitched uncontrollably, uneasily.  He felt his face twist in confusion.  Tweek had tried hard over the years to keep his anxiety under wraps, thinking that somethings were not as bad as they could actually be.  But, every so often, his panic would get the better of him in ways he would rather not mention.  Even less likely, were times when the blonde would dissociate under the pressure.  He had confessed long ago, that he felt ashamed when his mind raced.  Not that Craig would judge him for that.  It was just who Tweek was.  “What happened?”

    “J-Just, some stuff with my p-parents.”  Tweek was a horrible liar, Craig thought as he could see the inner gears of his mind twist and turn and grind against each other.  Something had caused him to become so undone earlier in the day that bothered him to point that he could not confide in Craig.  This had happened maybe once or twice in their friendship when Tweek had absolutely refused to speak what he needed to.  Eventually, he had, with enough coaxing.  But, this seemed different from those times.  Like, he would be unsuccessful in getting the information out of Tweek freely.  Still, he continued.

    “And, that was…?” Craig started to prod.  No answer.  “You know you’ll feel better if you say it.  Maybe, I can help you.  I’ve had some arguments with my Dad.  Fighting with parents is nothing new, Tweek.  Everyone does it.”  The small boy beside him let out a deep sigh, finally taking his attention away from the electronic device that had held his gaze for so long.  Craig could feel his friend giving up, his walls tumbling down, as he propped himself up against the rock.  He felt his hand inch towards Tweek’s, wanting to offer a safe place.  There would be no judgment when he decided to spill the problems deep within his mind.  There would be no harsh words Craig would say that could cause the blonde to retreat back into himself.

    “This was something different.  We didn’t fight.  It was just…”  Tweek paused, “Just…”  He was almost there, Craig thought.  He could feel his skin graze against Tweek’s, his pinky acting rogue as it lifted to grab ahold of one of Tweek’s outstretched fingers.  “N-Nothing.”  Craig froze, his little finger just centimeters above the fidgety skin below his.  He felt his heart ache in denial as Tweek held onto the small collection words that would bring to light what he was feeling.

    “Nah, dude.  We’re not doing this again.  What happened?”

    “Nothing, Craig,”  Tweek commanded.  Craig watched as a slow-burning rage started to rise his Tweek’s chest.  He was unsure why, but seeing Tweek get flustered and angry, only caused Craig to lose control of himself.  The burning in his own chest sparked alive.  Why was Tweek being so defiant? 

    “It’s not nothing, Tweek.  You’re a terrible liar, we both know that.  Why don’t you just tell me what’s bothering you, and we can move on.”

    “M-move on,” Tweek started to stutter.  “Sometimes, it’s not that easy, C-craig.  I don’t know if you k-k-know this, or even want to, but not ev-everyone can hide from their f-f-f-eelings.  It’s not how everyone handles things.  It’s really alright to just want to allow one’s self to feel what they do.  I think, scholar’s call it being h-hu-uman.”  It was clearer now that it was before.  Whatever Tweek was thinking about, or trying to forget, was serious.  During his tirade, something snapped inside Craig.

    “Yeah, okay, Tweek.  Be preachy and say that I’m an asshole because I would rather not deal with my emotions and have control over them.  But, don’t you fucking dare, pretend like you’re better than me.  Because Tweek,” his voice lowered, venom dripping on every word, “You’re doing exactly that.  You’re hiding away.  And, it’s tearing you apart.”  That did it.  That sent Tweek over the edge.  As he stood, his body was shaking uncontrollably.  Not because he was cold, but because he was pissed.  Instantly, Craig lamented his words.  He lost control of himself, and it had sent his friend into a rage.  Goddamnit.  He felt his face drop, his brows pulling together as he chastised himself for acting so thoughtless.

    “Fine, Craig,”  Tweek started again, his voice weak and just above a whisper.  Though his voice was low and hard to hear, his anger still managed to hang on every word.  “You want to know?  Do you want to know what happened today?  Why I spent hours out here disappearing from the world around me, so not to feel, before you decided to show up.”

    “Some honesty would be nice.”  Damnit.  There he went again, not thinking.  He watched Tweek take a deep breath, closing his eyes tightly.  His saw his fists ball up firmly, no doubt his short nails grabbing at his palms to rip the skin.  Maybe, he should have stopped.  Maybe he should have just Tweek do what he needed to feel normal.  He had given the anxious boy the chance to find his own way many times before.  Why was this time so different?  Why was Craig so concerned with needing to know?  So that he would not have to think of his own feelings?  Possibly.  It was much easier to help others with their problems than it was to figure out his own.

    Craig watched Tweek’s palms release themselves as they moved towards his head.  He knew what was coming.  Craig did not know why he did it, Tweek pulling at his hair.  Perhaps, it was just one of his many ways of dealing with how he felt when he could not bring himself to simply speak the words that needed to be said.  He watched as the blonde’s lanky fingers raced through the back of his head, grabbing hold of the thin hair just free from the edge of the knitted cap.  He could hear the strands screaming out in protest.

    “Never mind, Tweek.  You don’t—”  His apology was quickly cut off as Tweek spoke above him, requiring an audience.

    “I told my parents, that I’m gay.  And, I told them that I was in love with you.”  The wind whistled around them as Tweek had confessed.  He was in love, with… Craig.  The tall boy felt his jaw drop just a bit, his short black hair whipping around his face.  Life left his features as he felt everything grow white.  Had he heard Tweek correctly?  His ears began to ring as a fog clouded everything in his sights.  The way Tweek had spoken did not sound right.  There was no stuttering, no struggle.  His voice was calm and even.

    “Seriously?”  He asked, voice dead of any inclination of emotion.  “Seriously.”

    “No, dude.  It’s called a joke,” Tweek said his voice flat, convincing him entirely.  Or, maybe not.  This was one of those instances where Craig would rather just leave things alone, and not pry any deeper.

    “Jesus, Tweek,” he chuckled hollowly, “Leave the jokes to Jimmy.”

    “Heh, alright.”  Somberly, Craig watched as Tweek had reached to his head.  With a quick tug at the strings of his cap, it flew free from the anxious teen.  Craig felt another pain in his chest as he saw the hat fall to the other boy's legs.  “Thanks, for this.”  Tweek raised his arm with the chullo in his grasp.  Hesitantly, Craig reached out to his trademark hat.  His fingers laced around the braided stings quietly.  Though he could feel his eyes needing to look at Tweek in front of him, Craig could not allow himself to meet his.

    “No problem,” he mumbled.  The weight of the fabric fell towards the ground, danglingly just above the dirt.  The echoes of Tweek’s steps against fresh green grass faded away as he began to walk home.  Craig’s head fell to his chest as he beat himself up.  What he heard Tweek utter just seconds before was anything but a joke.  It was not a lie, quickly dismissed to make the heavy awkward air between them simply go away.  If anything, it was heartbreakingly honest.  Craig recounted the words over and over in his head, each time noting how incredibly sure Tweek had been.  How, though seemingly out of place, Tweek had appeared to be confident in his revelation.  There were plenty of things he knew Tweek was bad at doing. 

    Lying was at the top of the list.  The boy could not handle the stress of anything that would cause harm to others.  Whether that be physical or otherwise.  Shortly followed by his unwavering conviction to be brutally honest, even though it had the protentional to cause more distress.   Third, was leaving Craig by his lonesome when they had a falling out.  They would need their space, sure, but it never lasted long.  Neither of them could let the other go when their friendship had its faults.  Whatever this brave admission would turn their partnership into, Craig was confident that it would go back to what it always was.

    No.  That was a bold-faced lie if he ever told himself one.  Even after Tweek had said he was joking.  All the wishful thinking and all the hoping in the world could not salvage what may come in the imminent months at school. The winds of change were already blowing.  There was nothing that they could do to stop them at this point.  Slowly, Craig’s blue eyes drifted in the direction of Tweek who walked with his head hung low, hands in pockets.  On his back, Craig saw an invisible weight making his small frame appear smaller than it really was.  _Goddamnit_. 

* * *

      Craig should have gone home after Tweek had left him alone at Stark’s pond.  He was tired, drained.  And he still needed to get things ready to leave on Monday.  “Fuck!”  He screamed into the early morning.  He had been pacing around the low shore for a few hours trying to clear his head.  And, it was clear.  The only thing that plagued his every thought was Tweek.  He should have put the blonde out of his head.  Craig had done so with so many other things when they got to be too much.  But, no amount of rationalization could sway him to rid Tweek from his mind.

    The sun had started to rise in the distance, but it would still be a while longer before it had the chance to wake the sleeping town.  Craig felt his head turn towards the sky above, needing something familiar.  Something that could cause the worry heavy in his heart to go away.  However, it was too late.  The night sky had started to recede to the rest of the world as clouds loomed in the distance.   Just what Craig wanted; a rainy, doomy day to cement everything into place.

    Another fit of rage—they had come and gone constantly since Tweek had left—began to force its way through Craig’s body.  His heart beat wildly against his chest as adrenaline pumped through his veins.  Everything was red.  Even the tiny rock that now sat scared at his feet.  With little control over his actions, not that he wanted them to be controlled, Craig bent down, taking the pebble in his hands.  He felt his body heat begin to melt the stone as he gripped it.  With a loud roar, Craig watched as it went soaring to the other side of the body of water.

    His head hung in defeat.  That’s not what he wanted.  He wanted to hear the loud splash of earth against water.  He wanted things to be predictable, as they almost always were.  He wanted things to make logical sense.  He wanted to not have heard what Tweek had said.  He wanted to just have his friend back.  He wanted to not have to question himself so much.  He wanted everything to be normal.  But, things in South Park were never normal.  No, that was reserved for other locations in the world.  South Park had always been something special, in that regard.  Things in South Park would never stay the same, either.  Or, anywhere.  That was just how the world was.  Ever changing.

    “Damn, dude.”  A voice called out behind him.  Craig froze in place daring not to turn around.  How long had she been watching?  He felt his teeth grind together in such a way his jaw began to ache.  He hated being watched.  Hated, even more, being seen vulnerable.  Sensing this, the brown hair dyed black headed girl spoke again.  “Don’t worry Momma Bird, I just got here to see your spectacle.”

    “What the hell do you want, Heidi?”  He spat.  Slowly, Craig made his way back to the solid boulder he and Tweek had talked at hours before.  Only this time, he bent down to pick up his hat from the ground.  As Tweek had left him alone, the tight grip he had on the braid threads loosened, causing the chullo to fall.  Delicately, he held it in his hands, dusting off the dirt before putting the cap back on his head.

    “What?  Nothing,” she said, her voice distracted by the buzzing in her hand.  Craig watched her quickly tap away at the screen, replying to a message before she continued.  “Sorry, I’m meeting someone here to chill with.  It’s not like I planned to see you here.”

    Casually, he sat down with his back turned towards her.  He had hoped that she would take the hint and leave him be.  Unfortunately, his cold demeanor only fueled her curiosity.  She grunted to herself as she situated her body next to his.  Craig felt his physique shift involuntarily, wanting to keep some space between them.  He heard her fumble around in her purse as they sat in silence.  She whispered under her breath, having trouble finding what she was looking for.

    “Can you, like, go somewhere else?”  Craig snapped, the mumbling and shuffling of belongings agitating his nerves.

    “Uh, no.  I’m meeting someone like I said.”  She paused a moment, a quiet click from her lighter igniting the fading darkness around them.  Though Craig wanted nothing to do with the girl beside him, he could not help himself as he glanced in her direction.  In her lips, she held a slender cigarette.  He watched as her chest inflated as she held the flame of her lighter to the end of it.

    “Those are bad for you,” he mumbled.  Damnit.  Don’t make conversation.

    “A lot of things are bad for a lot of people.  Like, I dunno, all of your,” she paused, waving her hand up and down the length of his body, “Craig-ness.”  A low rumble sounded deep within his chest.  “Calm down dude.”  She exhaled expertly the smoke in her lungs.  The grey clouds wafted around his face, causing his nose to wrinkle up in disgust.  Did she really have to do that around him?  When did she start smoking anyway?

    “Look.  I don’t need you to tell me shit,” he said darkly as his hands swayed in his face, trying to rid his presence of the stink of cigarette smoke.  “I’ve got everything under control.”

    “Did it sound like I was trying to tell you something?”  Her voice was full of sass.  “My bad.  That’s not what I intended.  Honestly, I didn’t plan on saying anything.  But, it looked like you needed a friend to talk to.”

    “We’re not friends.”

    “Oh, right, right.  Acquaintances.  Anyways.  What’s up cupcake?”  Craig felt his back curl in revulsion in the casual way that Heidi spoke with him.  She used to not be so up front.  So careless of her words or actions.  Cartman really fucked her up, Craig thought as he reminisced about the time when they were younger and the pudgy boy dated her.  He had thought that she had changed over the years.  But not like this.  He had thought that she maybe reclaimed some of what she lost during their romance when she dated Kyle.  Craig was still unsure how the redhead had convinced her to go out with him. He always thought he had some kind of ulterior motive, that he was not always who he was when he tried to get a girlfriend.  There was a thing of being a gentleman, but Craig believed that Kyle had spread it on too thick; too sickeningly sweet.

    Craig pondered to himself, thinking that it might be alright for him to talk with Heidi.  She seemed to be level-headed.  And, her own self isolation from their horde of collective friends could be useful; she had no reason to talk with anyone else about his issues—if he decided to speak.  But, Craig would not allow himself to be seen as weak.  As someone who needed a soft shoulder to lay his weary head.  And, if he did, he would do so alone.  In the privacy of his own space where no one—not even Tweek—could visit.  When he failed to speak, Heidi took it upon herself to fill the void.

    “Have you decided what you’re going to go to school for?  I mean, I think it’s obvious to assume something with space and shit right?”  She took a drag from her cigarette as she waited for Craig to reply, knowing he would not.  “Yeah, pretty much.  What are you gonna go for, Heidi?” She imitated Craig’s speech poorly, pinching the end of her nose to sound more nasally, “Oh,” she said, back to her own voice, “Thanks for asking Craig.  So thoughtful of you.  I was thinking therapy.  Like a shrink.  People always need someone to tell them what they should do when they feel like shit.  And, you know, I believe that some of the best doctors are a bit fucked up with their own issues.  I have that going for me already.  So, why the hell not?”  She exhaled heavily as she glanced back at Craig from the corners of her eyes.  She saw embers burning just beyond the cold steely orbs.  Rolling her own eyes, she continued taking a drag of the cigarette, holding her palm underneath to wish it back to life.  However, all she could taste was sharp tar

    “Look.  You don’t have to say anything.  I’m just gonna talk.  Because I’m a good friend and you look like you need someone to tell you what to do with your life.”  Craig curled his fists closed, not wanting to hear anything else that came from the girl beside him.  He could have easily stood up and walked away.  Lord knew he was tired and wanted nothing more than to lay down in his own bed.  But, if he went home now, everything in his room would only cause him to thinking of what was to come.  Sleep would be no existent.  Craig began to grit his together again, in a futile attempt to drown out Heidi who had opened her mouth to start speaking again.

    “You can try and block me out all you want, Momma Bird.  I’m still going to talk over you.”  Pulling out her lighter from the depths of her bag again, Heidi lit her dead cigarette, rambling about whatever came to her.  “You’re really good friends with Tweek, right.  And, it’s natural for you to feel some kind of kinship or closeness with him that you don’t for anyone else.  Let’s face it; he’s grown over the years by leaps and bounds because you’ve always been there for him.  But, he’s still a twitchy, anxious, blonde ball of fire.  He needs something that’s constant.  That’s where you come in, Momma Bird.”

    “Can you please stop calling me that?”  He murmured angrily.

    “I don’t think so.  It fits.  Anyways, where was I?  Oh!”  She paused, taking a deep drag, “You are Tweek’s constant.  A solid support system, who without regard for himself, takes all of his burdens as they fly by at a million miles an hour.  When you’re close to someone like that for as long as you two have been friends, I don’t believe that there would be anything wrong with questioning yourself.  Especially in moments of crisis, when all you’re thinking about is calming the raging storm that has the potential to eventually consume Tweek.  You do things with him that you wouldn’t even entertain doing with someone else.  It just comes naturally after years of trial and error.  And, when you do those actions, you begin to think what that makes you.

    “It doesn’t make you anything, Craig.  If anything, I think it speaks to who you really are and want to be.  Which, would be nothing short of a really good friend.”  Heidi’s voice grew quiet as she thought back to when she had been close to the girls in their class a lifetime ago.  Craig looked at her; the expression on her face grew painful, reliving moments when she had been ridiculed for following her heart; believing what she was doing was right and just.  “You want to be there for someone, care for someone.  Because, maybe, deep down, you want that kindness returned when everyone else would rather think that you were fine.  That nothing bothered you.  You’re human, like the rest of us.  You fall and you want help.”  There was that term again.  Human.  His head ducked down as he listened to Heidi go on.

    “It might not come today.  Or tomorrow.  Hell,” Heidi stopped to light her now extinguished cigarette once more.  After taking a puff or two she continued.  “It might not even come for months.  But, trust me when I say this, help does come.  Maybe not how you thought it would.  Maybe not how you hoped it would.  But, one day it will.”  Craig saw her body relax as a light came to her face, sparking her deep brown eyes.  For a moment, he saw her as she used to be—that girl who fought for everything she believed it no matter what others thought.  That girl who whispered of all the goodness in mankind.  “And, when it comes, it’ll feel like… Like… You’re born again,” she chuckled to herself, thinking of some inside joke Craig would never know of. “Don’t give up on him, Craig.  Don’t give up on yourself.  From where I am, I can see that you’re not the only one hurting.  You’re not the only one worried about the future, about yourself.  We don’t always get neat and pretty answers because we want them.  That’s not how life works.

    “The road to finding yourself in the deepest, darkest parts of who you are, is going to get fucking bumpy.  And, it’s going to get ugly.  You’re going to do things you wouldn’t expect yourself to do.  You’re going to act on impulse because what you’re feeling is going to feel so God damn right.  And, yes, even you, mister cold and calculating, can act on impulse.  But, in those moments, the questions that burn in your eyes when you look at Tweek are going to be answered.  You may not want to accept them.  Not then.  And, that’s fine.  But, eventually, from that moment on, you’re going to find yourself looking back at those tiny, minuscule instances and feel a sense of clarity.”  Just then, her phone rang in her hand.  Quickly, she answered it, not caring to speak quietly for Craig’s sake.

    “Hey.  No, I’m already at Stark’s.  That sucks.  Hmmm… Well, it’s getting too bright to do it here…”  She held her breath as the person on the other side talked with excitement.  “Okay, too bright for my own liking.  In an hour or so, my parents are going to be heading to church.  We can meet at my place then if that sounds alright?”  She smiled wickedly, getting the answer she hoped for.  “Okay, okay, stop.  That silver tongue of yours is going to get you in trouble.  Is that so?  Good thing I’ve been shopping for some new toys.”  Craig’s head fell into his hands as a blush crept up to his ears.  _Fuck, Heidi._   Did he really need to hear all of this?  “Kay, I’ll see you in an hour.  I have something to finish up real quick.”  She laughed darkly, an obvious joke told just for her ears.  “No, but I could do that before you get there.  But, really I need to go.  Then we can have some fun.”  She pulled the phone from her face as she hung up on the person on the other side talking excitedly.  Again, she smiled sinfully as she glanced back to an uncomfortable Craig.

    “That was probably not what you wanted to hear, Craig—”

    “Really?” He said, his voice heavy with embarrassment and sarcasm.

    “But, you needed to.  We all have our own ways of putting the pieces of ourselves back together.  This just happens to be mine.  Casually hooking up with someone.  Finding someone who allows me to be myself, and accepts me for it.  Who allows me to be curious.  To ask questions.  To experiment.  To find who I lost.”  Craig looked up at her, meeting her bright rosy grin.  “And, let me tell you.  It is so fucking liberating being honest with myself.  It’s ugly, and by no means, conventional.  But, it works for me.  So, why don’t you go home, get some sleep, and think about what I said.”  Standing, she spoke one last thing before leaving Craig with his thoughts, “Who we are is not what we always thought.  Who we are is not easily defined by some cookie cutter mold.  Finding ourselves is not always beautiful and can get downright terrifying because we don’t expect it. 

    “But, when we do find it honestly, I can promise you that the world will be so much brighter than you thought it was.  Everything smells sweeter.  Everything tastes better.  Sure, you might lose those who were once close to you. That’s bound to happen just as we grow up.  But, those that stay with you through those trials and tribulations are the ones that care for you, as you are, no matter who that is.  Labels don’t define us, Craig.  They are a part of us.  One tiny sliver of everything we are.  Don’t let this define you.  You’re Craig fucking Tucker.”  As Heidi walked away, finally leaving Craig alone, he watched and noticed the difference in how she carried herself.  When he looked at her years before when they all had started high school, her head was constantly hung low, as if she was trying to disappear.  Now, she still disappeared in the world around them.  But, it did not bother her as it did.  She relished in the fact that she had changed, embracing whatever that meant.  None of what she did, mattered to anyone else besides her.

    As her figure vanished into the horizon towards her house, Craig felt his heart still weigh heavy in his chest.  Nothing was ever going to be what it was like in high school.  No more games to play in during the year.  No more intimate meetings in the cafeteria before, during, and after school with his friends.  No more gossiping words whispering around every corner.  No more easy answers of what he and his friends thought would come.  Though there was still darkness in his gaze, something felt different within him.

    Slowly, Craig finally stood.  As his head drifted towards the now rising sun, he could see the clouds beginning to separate.  He felt his eyebrow raise quizzically, knowing that the forecast had called for rain on this Sunday morning.  The world and the people that lived on it were always changing and ever evolving.  It was just a scientific fact.  Why would it be so bad, if he were to do the same? 

* * *

     Monday morning finally came around, meeting the recently graduated residents with pleasant smiles.  The loud closing of doors sounded through the town as friend and foe alike gathered in cars to go their separate ways.  Craig sat on his bed with his legs crossed.  Propped up by the palm of his hand on the windowsill, he watched unmoving as children hugged their parent's goodbye.  It was fleeting, but there was a sadness in the air.  Adults had been preparing their offspring for this very day for their entire lives, and yet, it seemed that they did not want to let go.  But, just as much as they dreaded to release themselves from their grasps, they eventually did.  From behind him, Craig heard a knock at his door.

    “What?”  He called back, voice monotone.

    “Mom wanted to make sure that you were okay.”

    “I told her, that yes I was.  I just changed my mind.  It won’t hurt anything to get to school a week later than planned.”

    “Okay.  She also wanted to know if you told Tweek you changed your mind.”  The raven-haired boy shifted his body, ducking away from the window back down to his bed.  Above him hung the glowing stars that he had put up years before with the help of his friends.  They did not work that well in the light of a new day, just like the real stars above in the night skies.  But, still, he looked, trying to find something he felt he had lost.  His innocence?  No.  His person?  No, not that either.  “Hello-o-o?”  Tricia called out to her brother, now standing above him with hands on hips.

    “Yeah, I told him.  He’s going with Token and Clyde.”

    “As long as he’s aware.  You know how much he depends on you.”  Craig scowled as he rolled over.  Tweek did not need him.  He was more than capable of doing things on his own.

    “He’s grown up, Tricia.  He doesn’t need me or anyone else.”

    “Is that a hint of heartbreak?”  She asked, her voice heavy with excitement.  Was it heartbreak?  No.  He just was tired, exhausted.  Since Heidi had left him alone at Stark’s pond yesterday, he had spent his time wandering around the town, stopping at the Village Inn.  Tweek would have never gone looking for him there; if he went searching for Craig to begin with.  That was where The Goths still spent most of their time.  Something about them made Tweek uneasy, but Craig could never figure out why.  Not that it mattered.  All the blonde had to tell Craig, was that the place bothered him.  And, that was that.

    “Get out, Tricia.  You should be on your way to school.”

    “Yeah, yeah,” she said as she lifted herself up, not forgetting to flip her brother off.  Even with his back turned, he could feel the way her body moved in his room.  It felt out of place.  As her feet tiptoed on his carpeted floor, he heard her pause for a moment, looking back at him.  He could tell she was giving him puppy dog eyes, worry heavy on her face.  He shook his head, returning the bird she had sent him.

    Content, she left her brother alone, yelling downstairs to her mother as she gathered her things to leave for the school bus.  Sure that he was alone, Craig pulled his phone from underneath his pillow.  As his fingers swiped across the screen, he saw his text messages with Tweek.

 

Sun 11:17 a.m. I think I’m going to have my parents take me to my dorm.  They’ve been pestering me about it for a few days.

Sun 11:25 a.m. You sure? 

Sun 11:25 a.m.  It’s no problem if we rode with Token and Clyde. 

Sun 11:27 a.m.  Token’s parents got a van and everything.

Sun 11:30 a.m.  Yeah.  I think it would nice to just spend a day with them, anyways.

Sun 12:45 p.m.  Alright.

 

    Already, Craig could feel things changing.  He had expected this.  Prepared for it.  But, nothing had prepared him for how drastically it would happen.  Restlessly, he rolled onto his back again, thinking back to the long-winded speech she had given him.  So, typical of Kyle.  _It might not come today.  Or tomorrow.  Hell, it might not even come for months.  But, trust me when I say this, help does come._ His eyes grew wide as Craig was hit by a sudden epiphany.  The front door below creaked open, Tricia just on the verge of stepping out on her way to school.

    “Tricia!  Hold up!”  Pushing himself out of bed with as much energy as he could muster, Craig raced to put his shoes one.

    “First you tell me to go to school.  Then you tell me to stop.  Make up your mind, Craig,” she yelled from their living room.  From the top of the stairs, he called out to his mother, still in her pajamas, drinking a morning cup of coffee as she read the morning paper.

    “You’re not going in today, right?”

    “No,” she yelled back, not taking her attention off the news, “I took the day off because we had planned to help you get settled in.  But, now that that’s not happening, I get another day off.”

    “Do you mind if I take Tricia to school?”  He breathed heavily as he pulled his jacket over his shoulders, standing in front of his mother in the kitchen.  Craig was sure that he looked like shit.  It was confirmed when his mother looked up at him, her attention curious as she raised a brow to look at her son.  She saw the bags sitting low under his eyes, the need to run away painted over his face.  With a heavy sigh, she answered.

    “Don’t make her late.  And, if you’re taking her, stop by the bus stop and pick up Ike.  They have a project to finish up.”  With a roll of his eyes, Craig agreed, yanking the keys from the hook that hung in the kitchen.  Quickly, he walked past his sister, who now gave him a stern look as if to say something vile and repulsive.

    As the brother and sister sat in their mother’s car, Craig could feel the weight on his shoulders lifting.  Maybe, this had been the help that Heidi had spoken so sure of.  Raising his hand to the rearview mirror, Craig looked at his sister pull the seatbelt across her chest, buckling it securely.  What could Tricia do or say, that would support him?  Catching his reflection looking at her, she spoke out.

    “Come on, Craig.  I don’t want to be late.  Ike and I have to go over who is going to say what during our presentation, that we were going to do on the bus.  But, since you decided to kidnap me, we have to change those plans.”  _Change_.  Hesitantly, Craig took his eyes off Tricia who was now typing away on her phone; no doubt telling Ike that they would be stopping by the bus stop to pick him up.  Slowly, he bent forwards, adjusting his seat back so that he was comfortable.  Was he really that much taller than his mother?  No, he needed to focus.  There were already too many questions and possible answers swirling around his head.  Craig had no energy to think about the height difference between him and his mother now.

    After adjusting the seat and opening the garage door, the Tuckers pulled out towards Tricia’s bus stop.  The pair drove in silence, as the stop came into view.  Craig slowed down to a halt, waiting as Ike Broflovski climbed into the back seat next to Tricia.  He was smaller than the other children his age; his parents had allowed and encouraged him to skip a few grades to feel more challenged in school.  Once he was settled in his seat, Ike began pulling out papers from his bookbag with Tricia waiting intently. 

    While he drove his sister to school, Craig sat silently in the front, not listening to anything in particular to the conversation behind him.  He welcomed the nonsense.  It calmed him more than he thought it would.  It was like white noise.  Pulling into the drop off point at the high school he had just graduated from, it hit him.  This is what Heidi had spoken about.  Life was never going to be easy, life was never going to be how they wanted it.  It was going to rip them up from top to bottom and demand order.  It would be during this chaos that the world would finally make sense.  Or, at least as much sense as it could.  There would still be questions that would not find answers.  But, in the seconds it took for Tricia and Ike to crawl out of the back of his mother’s car, Craig could hear silence for the first time since graduation.

    Things were changing.  No amount of preparation or determination to order things specifically was going to make that stop.  The best he could hope for was to find himself at the end of the chaos and change.  He felt a pull at the corners of his lips as the door slammed closed.  Though things would be difficult and uncomfortable, Craig found a new confidence.  Though there was no doubt that his relationship with Tweek would change dramatically—especially after the blonde’s declaration—it had the potential to change for the better.


	4. Chapter Four

    It had been a week since Tweek had left his home in South Park to start his summer semester.  During the fall of his senior year, Craig had convinced him to try to take the summer classes—there were going to be fewer students, which would allow the blonde to become adjusted and familiar with the campus, without being completely overwhelmed.  In theory, it was a sound idea.  In practice, it was a sound idea.  But, Tweek was still nervous with his first class starting in a few hours.

    The night before, he had barely been able to sleep, his worry and anxiety getting the better of him for the majority of the time.  As dawn began to break over the horizon, Tweek let out a heavy, exhausted sigh.  His class would most likely drain him.  He was already expecting that.  Normally, he would have Craig to help him get through the day.  Now in college, Tweek thought it was time for him to change.  He needed to be able to do things on his own.  And that terrified him.

    Softly, Tweek could hear the raven-haired boy's voice in his head; whispering to him, telling him to breathe.  He could not help but feel a pull at the corners of his lips.  How ironic it was, he thought, that he would need to be reminded to breathe.  Yet, Tweek found himself needing this constant reassurance more than he would have liked to admit.  Turning over in his tiny college provided bed, the blonde looked out to the rest of his room.

    It was blank of any kind of personality; no comforting posters lining the walls, no clutter covering the cheap stained carpet.  But, it would be something that he would have to get accustomed to regardless if he wanted to or not.  Sighing once more, Tweek reached for his phone on his borrowed nightstand table.  He guessed that it was close to six in the morning.  His alarm would be going off soon.  As he pulled his phone to his chest, he held it delicately, waiting for the blaring sirens that would no doubt wake the dead.

    He could feel his eyes close softly together.  His long lashes tickling his cheeks.  In this moment of calm before his first day of class, Tweek thought back to the previous week.  The Monday afternoon that his parents had ridden with him to school, he and Craig had managed to talk things out—neither of them bringing up his confession in hopes that it would be forgotten.  Tweek was thankful, for Craig's ability to cast out anything that seemed to make him uncomfortable.

    However, part of him had hoped that they were able to speak about what had transpired.  Hoped that their argument would not be swept underneath an invisible rug; like all of their other disagreements.  Though it was easier to ignore thoughts and feelings, or as Craig would explain, being in control, Tweek wanted to be able to feel his emotions.  To be able to understand them in their entirety.  He had thought that repressing was the cause of his anxiety, at least one of them, his own subconscious dealing with feelings in a way that he was unable to.  That he was denied to work through.

    But, he had thought that that was a price he had to pay when being friends with Craig.  Not that he wanted to think that there were any faults in the boy that he had long ago fallen for.  Tweek knew he himself was riddled with them.  Craig was perfect—at least, as perfect as Tweek wanted him to be.  Another sigh left his lips.  Today was going to be a long day, and he would have rather just let it go and stay in his room.  Unfortunately, that would be close to impossible.

    Tweek had a reputation of being a good student to keep.  For Craig's sake.  For his own sake.  He needed to finish college, to get his degree in drama—though, in hindsight, Tweek could not think for the life of him why he would pick such a major, the constant attention would only exacerbate his dread of being in the limelight—and become someone noteworthy.  In doing so, he was sure that he would be able to work through his anxiety.  His worries and fears.  The ticks that caused him to feel even more flustered because of the attention they would draw.  Tweek had to do this. 

    On cue, the alarm on his phone rang loud.  Absently, the blonde turned it off, waiting for the next alarm in fifteen minutes; telling him to get into the shower.  Though his class would not start until eleven, Tweek felt that he needed to get up early.  If anything to ready himself for finding the right classroom, self-introductions that were mandatory, to get through the actual class.  Sitting up to the edge of his bed, Tweek looked around his room again.

    Just as there was an absence of personality, so was an absence of company.  At first, Tweek was ecstatic about having a dorm room all to his own.  He would be free to act as he was, doing anything that would help settle his nerves when they would no doubt get out of hand.  But now, the emptiness of his room only seemed to cloud his mind.  He was alone.  So terribly, utterly alone.  A heavy weight began to rest uncomfortably on his shoulders.  Just what he needed.  It was one thing to deal with the shaking and the twitching and the involuntary squeals of nervousness.  That was something that he could handle.  What he constantly dealt with.  He had learned to manage his outbursts; for the most part.

    However, the emptiness, the loneliness.  The darkness that would creep in every so often, would tear Tweek apart from the inside out.  There were no words that he knew to describe what he felt.  Like a pit?  A void?  A feeling of loss of self?  Possibly.  Probably.  In his own research to figure out himself and why he did the things he did, Tweek had stumbled upon reading anxiety and depression could run together.  Still on his bed, the blonde could feel himself wonder if he should be diagnosed with more than just anxiety.  Did he have depression?  His brows crinkled together, deep in thought.

    It was possible.  But, adding yet another label—especially when concerned with his actions, mannerisms, and own mental wellbeing—was something that Tweek would rather not dwell on.  He had enough to deal with when he had a panic attack, or some kind of outburst when his anxiousness grew out of control.  And, as if on command, there was a slight tightening of his chest.  His bare feet began bouncing against the floor wildly.  His breathing began to grow inconsistent.  Tweek closed his eyes tightly together, a habit that was unavoidable, and yet, characteristic whenever he could feel the onset of anxiety.  He could feel his jaw tighten in dismay; his thoughts beginning to run erratically.

 In his grasp, Tweek could feel the hard metal-plastic of his phone pinch the skin of his palms.  Voices of classmates he had not even met sung in his head.  They laughed at him.  Pointed fingers.  Whispering.  Another alarm rang out in the loudness of the room.  Yet, it seemed to hum politely, letting the sounds of others take its place in needing to be heard.  With eyes still closed, Tweek could feel the tips of his fingers glide against the glass of his screen.  As if something else was taking hold of his actions, Tweek felt the cold material of his phone reach his ear, a quiet ringing on the other side.

    "H-hello?"  The other side spoke, only awake enough to answer.

    "Craig, i-i-it's bad.  I can't stop thinking.  I can't breathe."  The sound of his own voice felt alien to Tweek.  His breathing was caught in his throat as if his own body was shutting down in protection.  "Make t-them stop."

    "Tweek.  What's wrong?"  Craig's voice was flat.  Though Tweek was sure that there was worry and dread behind his words, he could not hear it.

    "Everything got dark.  A-and twisted.  I don't know what happened.  One minute I was thinking about class and the next thing I knew, everything was gone.  There's nothing in this room that I know.  There's no one in this room.  A-and at first, I was grateful.  But, Craig, there's no one here."  He could hear the shrill in his voice growing with each word he spoke.  He was unraveling.  And doing so, so incredibly, uncomfortably, quickly.  If Tweek could not calm down and do so soon, there was a great possibility that he would slip away.  He would be aware of his own surroundings, but nothing would have feeling.  Nothing would have life.  Tweek would just exist in a state of absence.

    "There has to be someone there,"  Craig explained as he started to wake up.

    "No there isn't Craig!  Why do you always do this?!"

    "What are you talking about?"

    "I need you to… To just listen to me!  I said there was no one here.  I'm all alone!"  Tweek felt his voice crack as he uttered the phrase.  He was alone.  Why did Craig not come for summer classes like they had planned?  Why had he left Tweek to deal with the very real and crippling thoughts that plagued his every waking moment?  Why did he, out of everyone, leave Tweek alone?  Were they not friends?  Could they not depend on each other in times of crisis?  Or just in general?  "Why didn't you come to school?"  There was silence on the other line as Tweek began to crash.  In just twenty minutes, he had fallen into despair, had worked himself into a panic, snapped at Craig.  And, now, he was losing the will to fight it anymore.  Why was he trying to hard to keep everything together, when the entire world was trying to tear him apart?  When Craig failed to answer his question, Tweek pulled the phone away from his face to make sure that he was still there.  Finally, there was a reply.

    "Tweek," Craig started, the sound of his empty voice was soft.  It was as if, he was pleading with the blonde to listen to the words he was about to say.  Years before, he had been forceful in getting Tweek's attention.  But, that only seemed to make things worse.  "I'm sorry I'm not there.  I thought that this class would be on campus.  Like a normal lecture or something.  It was a surprise to me, too, that I would be here in South Park at the observatory.  I'm sorry that you feel alone."

    "W-what if they laugh at me?"  Tweek asked, defeat heavy in the way he spoke.  He was no longer concerned with Craig not being at school.  His thoughts had rushed back to mockery the instant Craig had started his apology.

    "Who?"  There was a rustling in the background.  Tweek could see Craig readjust himself in bed, probably rolling onto his stomach, pillow propping up his arms as he diligently listened to him.

    "The other students in my classes.  I'm probably going to stumble or knock over something.  Or, stutter over my words.  Or say something I don't mean to say, but can't help in saying it because I'm going to be too focused on what they are going to be thinking, and then I can't focus on what I'm supposed to be saying, and so I end up saying what I'm thinking and that's going to cause—"

    "Tweek, you're rambling.  Dude, it's going to be okay.  I promise.  Everyone else is probably going to be on their phones or some shit, not listening to a word you say.  And besides, what does it matter what other people think?  They are inconsequential.  Just strangers trying to get through their classes.  Like you."

    "But, what if—"

    "What if nothing, Tweek.  They do not matter.  In the slightest.  And, even if they do laugh at you, or whatever.  Fuck ‘em."  There was silence between them as Craig's words settled in Tweek's mind.  It was not even close to being anything reassuring.  It was the same old, cold and uncaring monotone he had grown accustomed to.

    "You're right, Craig," Tweek whispered, feeling a slight calm wash over him.  Though it was not what he wanted, Tweek did feel better just hearing Craig's voice.  His straightforward attitude about those who held no real power.  There was a heavy sigh from the other side.  Out of character, it had caught him off guard.

    "I don't want to be right."  His statement was odd, unfamiliar.  So unlike the usual Craig he knew.  At that moment, Tweek could feel vulnerability within Craig though they were hours apart.  Even in all of their years of friendship, these moments were everything to Tweek.  For a split second, this helplessness that he could see was all he ever wanted.  It filled him with hope.  It made him feel like he was not so alone, as he often thought.  That he and Craig were not so different.  Tweek felt his chest lighten, the tightness fading away.  His mind began to wonder as to what Craig could have meant.  Without thinking, there was an overwhelming sense of confidence in him, Tweek asked a question.

    "What do you want to be?"  Another silence.

    "Someone different, I suppose."

    "I don't understand," Tweek said as his brows furrowed together in confusion.

    "We ask all these questions, searching for answers.  But, when given the opportunity, do we really want to know?  If we learn the solutions to the most difficult difficulties, what else is there?"

    "The next problem.  Just because you solve one, doesn't mean they're all gone."  His own observation surprised him.  When had Tweek become so philosophical?  It felt odd, out of place, for him.  He was not supposed to be this person who could so easily provide reassurance at a moment's notice.  Tweek was not supposed to be the one to ease tensions of one's mind.  There was a chuckle from Craig as Tweek spoke.

    "I guess so.  Don't you ever worry though?  About not having any problems?  Anything that causes you not to be you?"

    "Hmmm… No?  I mean, I think about myself.  A lot.  And doing that reflection, there are parts of who I am, that are constantly being discovered.  Sure, it's scary.  But, at the same time, it's exciting.  Like, the game for our last homecoming.  I could have sworn that I was going to fail.  Everything inside of me was screaming at me, telling me I would.  But, I didn't."

    "I remember.  I told you, you could do it."  Tweek chuckled to himself, thinking back to the pride in Craig's smile.

    "It was because I had this confidence I never knew I had.  After the game, I went home and thought about it.  I thought about what that instance of confidence was supposed to make me into.  Was I supposed to be this guy who carried himself higher than everyone else?  And, if I did, was that going to change who I was?  The next week, everything was the same as it always was.  But, that confidence never really left.  It would be great if I had it for this class.  I mean, do you really think that it would be okay?  I don't even know where my class is supposed to be.  That's why I'm up so early…  Oh my God, Craig, I'm sorry.  You were sleeping.  And, I woke you up.  Shit."

    "Tweek," Craig mumbled.  Just as before, his voice was soft and understanding.  So incredibly reassuring.  Tweek took a deep breath.

    "Anyway.  Confidence.  I want it so that I don't worry about every little thing.  I want it, so that, maybe, somehow, I can become someone who is worth a damn.  So that I don't have to depend on everyone to make it through a day.  It's scary, thinking about it now.  Because, what if it gets out of control?  And, I really grow to not need anyone?  Yet, at the same time, I know that that won't happen.  There are still going to be people I need.  Everyone does.  Even if they don't think so," Tweek took a deep breath, feeling his thoughts spinning out of control.  "In conclusion, even though I know I have this thing that's apart of who I am, though it takes it's time and never comes when I need it to, it's still terrifying because of all the things that it could change.  But, at the same time, it's exhilarating because of all the things that could change."

    "In conclusion," Craig mocked, a bold laugh escaping him.  Tweek felt his cheeks burn.

    "I was rambling.  I needed to say it to focus myself."

    "I know, dude."

    "But, Craig?"

    "Yeah?"

    "Why do you want to be someone different?"

    "I guess, because, I think it would be interesting."  And, just like that, the vulnerability that had so easily been presented before him, was gone.  The blonde felt his shoulders fall in disappointment. 

    "If it's any consolation, no matter who you want to be, I'm sure deep down, you'll be the same Craig as you've always been."

    "Probably."  There was a hint of sadness, a sudden harsh reality in the way that Craig spoke.  As if, he was conflicted with himself.  However, instead of pushing the issue further, Tweek let it go.  Though it was a personality flaw that Tweek had come to admire, he wished that Craig would be more open about things he thought about.  Not just his passions.  But, also all of the things that bothered him.  In due time, though, Tweek was sure that he would be more than forthcoming.  All he would need was something that was not going to leave, given the chance.  Someone who would be there through the thick and thin.  And the thin that could have the potential to snap in two.  "I gotta get ready for class, though.  If you need anything during the day or class, just text me.  I'll get back to you when I can."

    "Alright," Tweek said, trying his hardest not to let his feelings sound through his voice.  Without saying goodbye, the two hung up their call.  He continued to sit on the edge of his bed nervously.  The twitching of his feet against the floor had stopped.  His breathing was now under control.  Tweek still thought of every possibility of something going wrong.  But, as if none of that mattered, he gathered his things in search of the communicable bathroom for his shower.  He hoped that everyone else would still be sleeping and that he could shower alone.  It would give him the opportunity to think; the rushing water would be able to sooth any worry that would suddenly rise within him.

* * *

     Tweek walked to his class toward the newly found drama building.  It took almost thirty minutes for him to find the building—the school map he had printed out in advance was a bit confusing, and Tweek had trouble locating his room to start his walk.  Though summer was just starting, the midmorning warmth was a bit much.  He had plenty of time to get to his class, yet, Tweek felt the need to walk briskly; the worry of being late urged him to walk faster than he needed to.  The blonde watched as other students made their way to their own classes or back to their rooms.  It was odd to him; seeing so many people having their lives together.  At least, they seemed to.

    As his hand touched the handle to his building, someone called his name.  Instantly, he froze, not thinking of who it was.  There were only a few people that Tweek knew that would be attending the school at Boulder.  And of those few, there was only a handful that knew Tweek would be there.  Again they called out to him.  Hesitantly, he turned around, his curiosity getting the better of him.

    "Tweek!"  Clyde yelled for the third time.  Tweek saw his friend practically run over to him, his face bright with a smile from ear to ear.  When he had finally situated himself in his room, Tweek had tried to search for Token and Clyde; their company would help the blonde feel at home.  Or as close to feeling at home that was possible.  But, he had almost lost himself on campus.  And since then, had barely ventured out of his own room in search of his friends.

    "Oh, hey Clyde," Tweek answered, anxiously looking around at other students to see if their gathering caught their attention.  When he realized it had not, Tweek felt himself relax.

    "How are you holding up?"  Standing just inches away from the anxious boy, Clyde stood still as he readjusted his bookbag on his shoulder.

    "Pretty good, I guess.  I'm just worried about getting to my classes and doing well," Nervously, Tweek scratched the back of his head, smiling as he did so.

    "I'm sure you'll be fine, Tweek," Clyde continued, still smiling brightly.  "Is this where you have your first class?"

    "Yeah, theatre appreciation.  Learning the basics of stage stuff is what the course description said."

    "Stage stuff," Clyde repeated with a low laugh, "Sounds fun though.  I think this afternoon Token and I are gonna be free if you wanted to hang out.  I'm sure you would like the company.  It would be fun for all of us to be together."

    "Uh," Tweek glanced around nervously, thinking that his class was going to start soon, "Sure.  I'll text you guys after.  But, I should be going.  I still need to find my room and all."  He twitched anxiously, feeling the urge to race to his room.

    "Sure, dude.  We'll find a nice place to chill."  As he turned to leave, Clyde waved to Tweek, leaving him be.  With a heavy sigh, the blonde went back to opening the door before him.  As he stepped through the double doors, he was pleasantly surprised by the building's foyer.  In the middle stood a tall sculpture; figures intertwined together in an elaborate pose.  Though it was rough and no features easily described, Tweek could not help but be mesmerized by the piece.  The fluidity of the figures and their movements seemed so surreal.  It was though, no one else in the world existed.  Just the two together in a state of eternal bliss and wonderment.

    Tweek could not help but think, what if he was able to find that sort of happiness.  A special connection with someone who was able to accept him for everything; all the flaws, all the anxiety, all the doubt.  If he was honest with himself, he had already found this person.  Yet, it was one-sided.  Or, not completely one-sided.  Just, his feelings would probably not be returned.  Damnit, he cursed.  Here he was thinking of a future with Craig that would never come to be.  A cloud formed over his head momentarily, darkness consuming everything just as it had earlier that morning.  But, unlike before, there seemed to be a light shining faintly in the distance.

    Though he and Craig would never come to be more than friends, Tweek still had a connection with Craig that was unrivaled.  They depended on each other more times than either of them cared to realize.  It was not perfect.  However, at the end of the day, the two of them could come together in ways that Tweek was sure he would not find with anyone else.  There would never be anyone else.  Taking a deep breath, Tweek continued on to find his classroom.

    Unlike finding the building earlier, Tweek's class was much easier to locate.  Nearing the door, he could feel himself hesitate.  His hands began to shake as he reached for the handle.  Inside were already a few students; some opening their notebooks readying for the lecture while others took their time to socialize with others. 

    "Is this your class?"  Tweek heard behind him.  An involuntary yelp escaped him.  He was sure that his face was a crimson red; the prickling sensation of a blush creeping its way across his cheeks.  Slowly, the blonde turned around.

    "I-I think s-so."  In front of him, stood an older gentleman.  Quickly, Tweek noted his attire; typical professional casual.  Something tweed, much like a professor.  On his shoulder was a leather satchel, the straps beginning to wear after years of use.  He wore a thick pair of glasses, the frames solid black without any hint to a personality.  His demeanor was cold and distant; possibly one of those teachers who would not be so gracious and understanding of Tweek's anxiety or his ticks.  He could feel his fingers lace together tightly.

    "This i-is theatre appreciation 112, right?"  Hearing his own voice echo through the growing empty hallway, Tweek noticed that he was starting to stutter.  Just what he needed.  His professor, assuming that's who was standing before him, would surely notice.  For a moment, Tweek had hoped that the man would take notice, and not call on the blonde unless it was absolutely necessary.

    "It is.  Is this your first semester?"  Tweek could feel his embarrassment deepen.  Was he that obvious?

    "Y-yes."

    "Well, welcome to the campus.  The class is going to be starting in a few minutes.  If you need to, take this time to work up the nerve to go in."  Without saying any more, Tweek was left alone as the older man walked into the room.  Almost instantly, Tweek watched as the other students settled into their own seats already picked out.  As Tweek took his time to scan the room and all those inside, he noticed that there was a seat in the back of the class undisturbed by anyone else.  He took a deep breath, forcing himself into the room.  His eyes kept the empty seat in view, making his way as quickly as he could.

    "Welcome everyone," the older man spoke as he checked the watch on his wrist.  "This is Theatre Appreciation 112.  My name is Professor Carl Holder.  The main focus of this class is to discuss and learn about everything that goes into making plays and public performances successful.  We will also be talking about classical works.  If this is not the right classroom, please take a moment to gather your things and leave."  With the last minute before class would start, Mr. Holder turned his back on the students in the room.

    Casually, he began to write on the whiteboard important information that would cause the best students—or at least those taking the class seriously for a few days—to write it down in their notebooks.  Tweek felt his gaze dart around the room, taking note of all the students that would become familiar faces in the weeks to come.  From his bookbag, Tweek pulled out a well-worn three-ring binder.  Inside were a few sheets of lined paper.  Unlike other students, Tweek had learned to favor binders above typical note-taking mediums.  There was something calming about the prongs at the top and bottom that was easily accessible for him to fidget with when needed.  In one of the smaller compartments, the blonde pulled out a pencil and began to write down the information on the board.

    "Right," Mr. Holder began once it was time for class to start, "As I have already said, this is Theatre Appreciation.  Again, My name is Professor Holder, but you can call me what you wish; as long as it is appropriate.  My office hours are from nine to ten-thirty Monday, Thursday, and Friday, in room 561 of this building.  For those who don't know where that is; it's on the top floor, just follow the numbers.  If you need any help or have any questions about the course or the materials, please do not wait until the final to come and speak with me.  As with everyone else, finals are a time-consuming time for me and other instructors.  Though we would love to help everyone out, there is little time to dedicate attention to those who have not put forth effort throughout the class.  Any questions?"  When no one raised their hand or spoke up, he continued.

    "Now that that is out of the way, we will be doing introductions.  And, before anyone starts groaning, you can say what you want.  Again, as long as it's appropriate.  This is college.  Though for the most part, it is a bit more lax than many would like to believe, this is a professional environment.  There is a time and place to act silly.  Rooms for learning are not those places, nor are they the time.  I'll start off, and then we will go around the room, front to back, and I would like everyone to say a bit about themselves.

    "I'm Carl Holder, I have a doctorate in Theatre as well as a master's degree in English. I have been teaching at Boulder for almost fifteen years.  I have a wife and five children—a lot I know—who are ages five to eighteen.  Let's see," he paused as he walked around the table in front of him, leaning against it casually, "I enjoy taking trips to the mountains, fishing and editing papers.  It might seem strange, for a professor, but there is a side of me that is intrigued by the creativity of my students.  I find that being knowledgeable in both fields allows me the opportunity to continuously expand my own curiosity in the way the world evolves.  I think that's enough for now.  Care to start?"  Mr. Holder asked the first student.  Tweek watched as she stood from her seat, taking her time to introduce herself.

    As each student spoke after the other, Tweek felt a knot building in his chest.  One by one, his time was coming to introduce himself to the rest of the class.  He had no idea what he was going to say.  Everyone else had been rather short with their introductions; giving their name, majors and a hobby or two.  But, for the life of him, Tweek could not think of anything to say.  When it came to his turn, Tweek's chest was tight with panic.  He could feel horror building just behind his eyes.  Everyone was going to see that he was a wreck.  Everyone was going to know not to talk to him.  Everyone was going to laugh and ridicule.  He felt his eyes close tightly together, in an effort to block out all of his surroundings.  However, Mr. Holder called out to Tweek.  Almost demanding him to speak.

    "Ah, my name is Tweek Tweak.  Uh, oh Jesus, um.  I'm thinking about perusing drama and theatre as my major.  Uh…"  He could feel his sweaty palm reaching towards his face.  A strand of hair had fallen into view.  It was minor, but the distraction was welcoming.  With his focus on the pale blonde hair, Tweek felt himself relax.  Swallowing hard, he continued, "I don't have any real hobbies.  But, my parents own a coffee shop, and I'm really good at making drinks and stuff.  Uh, besides that, there isn't really anything I could add."  Tweek glanced towards his professor, asking if that was enough.  When Mr. Holder nodded in agreement, the blonde could feel himself sit heavily into his seat.

    The rest of the students either only gave half of their attention or none at all.  Just as Craig had said earlier that morning.  Tweek could feel himself sigh loudly, thankful for his ordeal to be done and over with.  He had done it.  He had made it through the first obstacle in his class.  As he continued to relax, Mr. Holder made his way back towards the whiteboard and began to start his lecture.  With a slight smile, Tweek took notes and followed along in his book.  Maybe his classes were not going to be as bad as he thought.  Maybe, he would be able to make it through without having to depend on everyone.

* * *

     One in the afternoon came quicker than Tweek thought.  His class was over, and students began to walk out of the room, back to their own conversations that had been started before class.  It seemed normal.  It seemed like they all belonged together.  From his seat, Tweek felt a tinge of pain in his chest; a longing for others that he could be close to.  Like his classmates.  With a sad smile, Tweek could not help but think.  Who was he kidding?  He was lucky enough to have the few friends he did have.  There was no reason for him to be selfish.

     There was a sudden vibration from his pants pocket; probably from Clyde asking where he was or where he wanted to meet.  As Tweek pushed himself from his chair, packing away his things, his bookbag swinging over his shoulder.  Walking towards the front of his class, Tweek noticed his teacher slowly putting away his own belongings.  He stood for a moment, wanting to explain and apologize in advance for things he would do unintentionally.  Before he was able, however, Mr. Holder spoke to Tweek; his attention still on his own books.

    "Forgive me for sounding so bold, but seeing as you are a perspective drama student, I have a feeling that we shall be getting to know each other through your time here.  With that being said, is there anything you would like to say or ask?  I noticed that you seem to be absent-minded and startle easily."  Tweek laughed nervously as he watched Mr. Holder buckle the straps of his leather bag securely.

    "A little bit.  I'm just really nervous.  Most of the time."  His head ducked down sheepishly, feeling ashamed for being outed as an anxious mess.  He had hoped that it would be down the road before anyone would notice.  However, it was becoming clear, that Mr. Holder was not one to miss details.

    "Well, I hope that you find what you're looking for in theatre.  It might surprise you, but I too was once like you.  But, with time, confidence, a will to never give up, and with the right company, we can learn to do things we never thought imaginable.  Keep it up, Mr. Tweak.  I'm sure that in time, you will be able to get what you want from this class.  And, maybe from this program.  If not, you might still be able to learn something about yourself."

    "T-thank you, Mr. Holder."  With a nod, the professor waited patiently for Tweek to leave the room, so that he could lock the door behind him.  Taking the hint, the blonde exited the class, remembering to check his phone.  Sure enough, Clyde had texted him about meeting for that afternoon.  There was also a text from Craig, asking how his day was going.  It was simple, and rather unexpected if Tweek was honest, but the checkup was just what he needed.  Just what he wanted.  With his attention on his phone in hand, he made his way down the long hallway towards the double doors he had entered hours before.

    Replying quickly, Tweek sent a text to Craig, telling him about his class.  There was nothing important that really transpired.  He also noted that Craig had been right; no one really paid attention to him while giving out his introduction, much to his relief.  With his message sent, Tweek continued walking out of the building.  Both Clyde and Token were waiting for him.  He was unsure of how long they had been there; but, hoped that it was not for the majority of his class.  Tweek would have felt guilty for having his friends spending their time doing nothing.

    "Hey guys,"  Tweek greeted as he emerged from the doors of the drama building.  Quickly Clyde jumped to meet him, holding Tweek tightly in his arms.  The blonde let out a loud chuckle, forgetting how Clyde had grown to be one that was rather excitable in the company of friends.  Returning the close hug, Tweek glanced over to Token.  He seemed to be preoccupied on his phone, his fingers typing away hurriedly.  In his ear, Clyde whispered.

    "Nichole and the girls are going on a summer vacation to Florida."  With a nod, Tweek could understand how Token was feeling.  Or maybe not.  Token had always been one to be rational and thought things through before acting on impulse.  "They got into a fight last night about something, I wasn't paying attention."  Pulling away from him, Clyde stepped back and talked loud enough for their entire group to hear, whether or not Token would pay attention.  "So, I'm hungry.  We can try to hit up the cafeteria, see if anything is good there.  I also heard there's a pretty good café right outside the campus.  I'm sure you need to find a new source, huh Tweek?"  He finished with a quick jab.

    "Very funny…  Though, I would like to have some coffee that's actually brewed.  Not that instant stuff from the dorm."  Tweek stuck out his tongue in play as Clyde hung on his shoulders.  The pair laughed with each other in such a way that Token finally took his attention off his phone to see what was going on. 

    "What are we doing?"  He asked.

    "Going to that café we were looking at the other day.  Tweek says he needs coffee and I'm hungry."

    "Clyde, we just had lunch like an hour ago," Token said, rolling his eyes.

    "Yeah, but Bebe has me on this workout routine and shit.  I'm literally hungry all the time."

    "Fine.  Did we want to drive?"

    "Nah," Clyde said, waving his hand in dismissal.  "it's really nice today.  We can walk there no problem.  Or," his expression changed, a devious grin falling heavy over his bright eyes, "We could race."  Clyde ducked down, ready to take off before either Token or Tweek could reply.  In a hurry, Clyde sprinted from the drama building, leaving the two of them alone.  With a heavy sigh, Token put his hands in his pockets and began walking with Tweek.

    "So," he started in a low voice, "Have you talked with Craig lately?"  Tweek raised a brow.  It was no secret to their small group and Tweek and Craig were closer to each other than with Token and Clyde.  Or, had a better, deeper connection than with their other friends.

    "I called him this morning.  I had a mild panic attack before class."

    "Are you okay now?"  Token asked, offering solace for not being there earlier when Tweek could have used the company.  He could tell there was a slight guilt from Token's tone.  Without Craig at school, Token had wanted to be able to help Tweek as best he could.  And, so far, he had been letting down his friends.

    "Yeah.  Just your normal first-day anxiety," Tweek said with a sarcastic chuckle.  If anything, his worry was far from normal.  At least, compared to everyone else.  But, for Tweek, if he did not have his panic every so often, it was cause for alarm.

    "That's good."  They continued to walk together.  Clyde had already managed to run halfway to the local parking lot before he stopped to grab the attention of a few passing girls.  Though he and Bebe had their ups and downs, and Clyde had a habit of flirting with any girl that gave him the time of day, the pair seemed to work through even the hardest of trails.  Not that Clyde would stop his harmless flirting.  Without knowing the inner workings of their relationship, Token, Tweek, and Craig had assumed that it was acceptable for Clyde to be Clyde.  And, if Bebe really found any fault in the way he acted, she would have stopped getting back together with him long ago.  "But," Token spoke out again, "The two of you haven't really talked about anything?"

    Tweek could not help but turn his head quickly.  It was plainly written on his face; the dread of his confession leaving the safety of their private conversation.  Had Craig really spoken to Token about Tweek's feelings?  Would he betray his trust?  No, Tweek thought.  They might have had their arguments and times when they would go without speaking, but Craig was not one to speak with malice or out of spite.

    "Uh… Like what?"  His voice asked, shaky with uncertainty.

    "I'm not sure.  Just at my party, he seemed off.  I wasn't sure if you two had talked about anything or whatever."

    "What do you mean, off?"

     "I dunno.  Just something was different."  Token shrugged as they neared Clyde.  He was waiting patiently, already bored with the girls that had stopped to talk with him moments before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for having this chapter out later than I wished! I'm trying (or was) to get at least a chapter out once a week.  
> But as soon as I started getting into a roll, finals for school started, then graduation and other things happened :'D  
> Now that things are slowing down (hopefully) I'm getting back into the swing of things.


	5. Just an Update

I just wanted to let yall know, that I have taken a break from creek.  But not totally! I have decided to do a series, starting with a heidixkenny fic first, that leads up to creek.

I felt that it would help provide backstory and insight to how some characters have changed from the show to where this fanfic takes place.

Sorry for not updating about my plans or doing anything with this fic since my last update D; But, there might be some changes when I do finally come back, to make both pieces flow together better.


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